[Ah, OkCupid, how I love/hate thee.]

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:20am
hey can we hookup

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:53am
It takes a little more than that, charmer.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:56am
ok sorry I’m 17 I’m a virgin wanting to have sex ur a beautiful person and look like the right women for me to do it with

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:09am
If you read my profile then you know I think things like capitalization, punctuation, and spelling are important, even on OkCupid, even for casual sex.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:11am
Darling, while I am very flattered, until you are the age of majority I simply cannot have relations with you.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:13am
cant u just have sex with me I mean take a chance pleez it wld be fun. u don’t know until u experience the chance you take :)

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:22am
No, darling, I do know BECAUSE I’M NOT A VIRGIN.  I also know, because I am an attorney, that it is inappropriate and illegal for us to have relations.

  You are the one who doesn’t know if it would be fun because you have never done it.

  If you hit on women more than twice your age you need to learn how to write in a more mature manner so they will not dismiss you outright.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:24am
so what should u say to women?

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:33am
Well, try by using the shift key, and spelling words properly.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 11:34am
Ok anything else?

Mar. 28, 2010 – 1:40pm
Punctuation too, dear.

  And say a little more about yourself on your profile.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 1:42pm
ok but I wish you could just do it with me

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:26pm
I’ll fuck you on your 18th birthday.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:34pm
I think u should just do it while I’m 17 it’s more legit :)

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:38pm
Then you should find someone closer to your age.  Legitimate for what?

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:39pm
no but I want you lol :)

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:44pm
I want to stay out of trouble with the law.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:45pm
you will if we keep it a secret and I really want it to fuck you badly:) just pleez

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:51pm
Darling, 17 year olds are shitty at keeping secrets. 

Begging is not attractive.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:51pm
And you still need to capitalize and punctuate and spell.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 2:54pm
Ok baby no need to swear it’s not very appealing to me. :) Maybe if you were to experiment a little bit with me you would have some fun.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 4:51pm
You’re calling me baby?!  Uh, son, it is not your place to tell me not to swear.  I swear a lot and you’re certainly not going to stop me from doing so.  

I’m sure you would have fun if we experimented a little bit, but I seriously doubt I’d have all that much fun with someone who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 5:05pm
You don’t know until you try

Mar. 28, 2010 – 5:14pm
Actually, I do know because I’ve fucked virgins before.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 5:38pm
Ok but you havnt fucked me before. You just got to give me a chance.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 6:19pm
No one has fucked you before.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 6:22pm
Obviously no one has that’s why I am asking you. You are cute and sexy and I want to fuck you.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 6:26pm
That is very flattering, and I’ll be happy to accommodate – as soon as you’re 18 years of age.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 6:28pm
Come on 18 or not can’t you just do it with me jeez. I could of lied and said I was 18 but I didn’t I was truthful.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 6:54pm
And I appreciate that.  However, before any relations would have ensued I’d've checked your id.

  The fact that you can’t spell, and you don’t know what a sentence is makes it clear you’re too young to fuck – me at least.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 7:17pm
are you serious I know how to spell I take an AP English course it’s called abreviating

Mar. 28, 2010 – 8:12pm
Yes, I am serious. I have repeatedly expressed a desire to communicate properly. What you just wrote should have read, “Are you serious? I know how to spell; I take an AP English course. It’s called abbreviating.”

  When’s your birthday?

Mar. 28, 2010 – 8:16pm
Its pretty far away it doesn’t matter I just want to do it with you and you won’t cus I’m 17 :(

Mar. 28, 2010 – 9:14pm
That’s right. And also because you can’t write a proper sentence.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 9:17pm
Yes, I can write a proper sentence. See just do it with me:)

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:03pm
You’re missing a comma, and a period.

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:05pm
Ya I know in the last sentence. Why do you keep talking to me if your not even interested?

Mar. 28, 2010 – 10:45pm
Because you are under 18. Therefore, I cannot be interested. You don’t seem to get it.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 6:29am
Or maybe you are just too scared of the law.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 9:01am
Yes, I am scared of the law.  I’m also afraid of being disbarred.  The prospect of neither criminal charges nor lack of career make me want to have what is sure to be awkward, clumsy, BAD sex with a virgin.

  Do you even know what a clitoris is?  Could you find one on a map?

Mar. 29, 2010 – 9:02am
Oh, and trying to manipulate someone into bed with you by essentially calling them a chicken, is not only immature, but kind of creepy.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 2:37pm
Ya the clitoris is your sweet spot:)

Mar. 29, 2010 – 3:24pm
But where is it? Have you seen a vulva live and in person?

Mar. 29, 2010 – 3:26pm
Yes I have I’ve fingered a girl before. Your clitoris is right above your vagina it’s the excess skin that’s really sensitive.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 3:42pm
Oh my. Wow. There’s absolutely nothing excessive about a clitoris, my dear. And it’s all really sensitive.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 3:44pm
ok ok I know why are you asking me this?

Mar. 29, 2010 – 4:38pm
To illustrate that I am likely correct in my assumption that if we were to hook up – if you were over 18 – that it would be an awkward and unsexy mess.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 8:40pm
Then ok you don’t want to hookup.

Mar. 29, 2010 – 10:54pm
What made you think that?

Mar. 30, 2010 – 6:34am
You said you won’t because I’m not 18 and I can’t spell.

Mar. 30, 2010 – 12:14pm
You are correct.

I swear.  True story.