[Continued from "You Call That Advice?  (Part 1)."]

From: S M
Subject: Re: Really?
To: John
Date: Sunday, April 4, 2010, 8:14 PM

Dear John,

You, my dear, seem to be all over the map. I suggested your responses have an air of misogyny, which certainly is not name-calling. Defensive much? Let me give you some examples. This from this week:

“Nate, … Avoid sex with her. Many girls want to get pregnant. You should be using a condom and a spermicide as well as pulling it out. Birth control also fails. Do not under any circumstances trust a girl if she tells you that she is on the pill.
Another thing is do not under any circumstances believe what the girl says about her age. You must look at her id. There are a lot of 13=14 year old girls who look very mature. If you have sex with one of these girls you can be prosecuted for statutory rape and be branded a sex offender for life. See, I told you sex is a huge responsibilty [sic] and the courts are not on your side. Be sure to protect yourself against crazy girls who will hurt you.”

Putting aside your obvious attempt at scaring young Nate, you claim girls want to trick guys into getting them pregnant, and that the dangerous 13- and 14-year-old girls are targeting horny 16-year-old boys, who, if they put their penises anywhere but into the proper hole at the prescribed time, will be considered sex offenders. The girl with whom Nate was (is?) fooling around is clearly one of his peers, someone with whom he probably goes to school, so he likely knows how old she is. And you do realize that school id does not necessarily have age on it, right? You did not offer any practical advice, only the idea that girls and their devious ways are to be avoided.

This bit of advice from January 22 is lovely as well. “She is enjoying the attention and probably not seeing or screwing anyone. She is being a prick tease …. She probably is suffering from daddy issues where she needs a lot of male attention to fill in for the missing daddy love that she did not get as a girl.” The woman in question was characterized as flirtatious, which you clearly think is negative.

Feminism is not about defending women at all costs; doing so is paternalistic, not feminist. Feminism is about people – men, women, and transpeople – being individuals. Not all women want to trick men into getting them pregnant; most don’t. Not all women have sex with men in hopes they can have committed relationships. Not all women want to be cuddled and held. (These last two seem to be ideas you’ve espoused in your advice.) Both men and women, and everything in between, can, and do, enjoy sex for sex’s sake, not as a means to an end.

And since you brought up Carrie Prejean, I will happily address that. The problem with idiots like her who claim that their beliefs are based on the teachings of the Bible, is that they pick and choose which lessons of the Bible they take to heart. If Ms. Prejean was all that Christian and all that devoted to the Bible, surely she would not have premarital sex, right? Wrong. Surely Ms. Prejean doesn’t shave or wear clothing made from mixed fibers (no cotton/poly blends for her), right? Wrong. It’s rather difficult to take someone seriously for her adopted belief system when she doesn’t adhere to it herself.

But your responses don’t just come across as anti-woman. Sometimes you make assumptions, such as in response to Meena, whose boyfriend was acting “macho” after he began working at a gym: “Your boyfriend is enjoying all of the attention from the women at the fitness center. He is like a rooster with all of the hens vying for his attention.” There was NO mention of women in Meena’s March 26 question.

How about this one from April 2? The question, from someone in Saudi Arabia, was about a fiancee breaking off the engagement. Without the mention of sexual relations in the question at all, your response was, “She was enjoying the attention from both of you and sex with both of you.” Chances are there was no sex at all, as virginity is highly valued (at least for women) in Saudi culture.

Perhaps this February 26 advice to a man with a new baby and a distant wife jumped the gun a bit: “I hate to tell you this, but I think that she is having an affair. What I can tell you is to just ignore her, have minimal contact with her. Place no demands upon her. Don’t talk about problems. When a woman is holding out and giving you the silent treatment she has all of the power. Take the power away from her and act as if you don’t care if she files for divorce.” The man did not suspect his wife was having an affair, but said she had been distant since the baby was born. You again paint the woman with a broad – and negative – brush, that she is cheating and being manipulative. Why did you jump to that conclusion when depression seemed much more likely, at least to me?

Even with your letter to me, you’ve made quite a few assumptions. I said I hoped to open a dialogue, you defensively say that because we disagree does not make one right and the other wrong. No kidding.

I certainly don’t want to take on the job of civilizing you. If the world is fraught with misandry then wouldn’t you best counter that by not espousing ideals that have created such a culture in the first place?


Suzanne White Montiel


Hey Suzanne:

I find it amusing that you take the tack that since Carrie Prejean is not living a perfect Christian life, that she has no right to an opinion and she is therefore fair game for vicious attacks.  It sounds like you are being supportive of Perez Hilton’s highly sexist and misogynistic attack.  But since he is one of the girls apparently it is okay with you.  I would hope that this not the case.

As to underage girls claiming to be much older.  I have known of dozens of such instances a couple in my own family.  One young man was going to be tried for statutory rape becuase he believed the girl.  Fortunately the defense lawyer brought up her faceook page claiming that she was 19 rather than the 13 she actually was.  I used to work in the pro life movement and there were a lot of girls who deliberately got pregnant.

You seemed to take the tack that girls are completely innocent and guys are the evil ones.

As to promiscuous sex and sex without a relationship, my advice more closely follows mainstream clinicians advice than does yours, so I am not going to change my views on this.  Our advice is just that, people can accept it or reject it.  You are free to disagree with my advice online and people can decide what if any advice that they want to take.

I refuse to give advice contrary to my my moral compass and values. Whenever my advice could be considered inflammatory, I with hold that advice as you have seen with the same sex marriage problems.  I give the best advice that I know how and you are certainly entitled to your opinion and differ with me.  If we all gave the same advice then he would not need multiple advice givers on the site.  I would always give advice not to have an abortion and I am quite sure that would cause you to become livid with my advice.  But I won’t vary from that either.  We will have to agree to disagree.  But please feel free to challenge me, because the Bible says that like iron sharpens iron so a brother can do also, in your case a sister.

Best Wishes


[Of course there's more to come.  John and I had quite the "debate."  I use quotes because generally that requires the use of logic, which he did not utilize.  I love the ones who think they're smart.]

I swear.  True story.