Winning Opening Lines (These Worked)

I get the idea from feedback that the barrage of what amounts to “look how dumb men are” posts is getting old.  I’m sorry.

Not all the men with whom I deal are dummies.  Some of them are not.  Some of them I’ve fucked.  The ones I fuck have passed several levels of scrutiny by the time their penises go inside me.  The first level is, of course the opening line.

For every ten shitty opening lines I get one decent one.  Each one of those doesn’t result in a fucking, but it results in more than my ridicule.

Hi, I like your profile and think you are absolutely gorgeous. And (from what I can read) I think we are looking for the same thing. I’m not into games, but require discretion–hence why i don’t have a profile picture–but if you provide me with an email then i’ll send some pictures so that you can have a look and see if i’m your type. In short, i’m a young, but mature, sporty guy who is (and looks) scandinavian. Hope to hear from you, and explore the prospect of having mutually beneficial fun together. take care, Mark.

Unfortunately, Mark’s profile lacked content.  It said nothing and had no photos; there was nothing that would allow me to determine if I wanted to meet the guy.  I don’t have the time, energy, or motivation to do the work necessary to get the information that would have been included in a good profile.

LOVE your profile. I really appreciate it when people state exactly what they want on here and I appreciate it even more when people are very upfront and blunt about it. I have little patience for the games people play on here myself…

At any rate, I enjoyed reading your profile and I suspect we might get along pretty well.



I not only responded to this guy but we scheduled a time to meet in person.  I went to his neighborhood, which was a hefty bus ride away, and we had a nice conversation over a couple of drinks.  Then we went back to his place that was unfortunately occupied by a roommate he hated and her dreadlocked boyfriend; we left.  We had a pleasant time but nothing earth-shattering.  I don’t think he was any more surprised that I didn’t contact him than I was that he didn’t contact me.

I’ve never come across a profile as direct as yours, I like it! What are you doing this weekend?

This guy and I set up a meeting as well, though it wasn’t for a weekend, when I spend my time with the Viking.  We exchanged numbers and texted to coordinate schedules.  First, we were going to meet on a Friday at a place of his choosing.  Then, he had alternative plan and asked that we reschedule, which we did, to a place of my choosing.  Five hours before we were to meet, he confirmed; all was on.  Finally, a mere 13 minutes before we were to meet, he texted that he couldn’t make it.  I consider that flaking and I let him know.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

Hi…you keep coming up in my quiver so I thought I’d take a look….you’re absolutely GORGEOUS. We seem to have quite a bit in common, especially when it comes to sex. I’m very glad to see you’re honest about being here for sex and I’m excited you’d even consider performing anilingus on a partner….that is just incredibly hot….so hi. I’m Steve. Do you really swallow?

I know this would seem like it might be too forward for me to respond, but there must have been something about this guy – probably that he was nice enough to call me gorgeous – and his profile that caused me to respond.  We were both busy for a while so we had to schedule well ahead.  We had settled on a date, time, and place when I got this message:

Sounds excellent. Do you generally like to fuck on a first meeting if all goes well? If so, do you have condoms and lube and all that fun stuff or should I come equipped?

I appreciated that he asked – rather than assumed – about the fucking on the first meeting so I told him as much.  I also answered his question – we wouldn’t be fucking right away.  He didn’t indicate that if we weren’t going to fuck that our meeting was off so I went ahead and showed up on time.

He did not.  I let him know that there’d be no other chance with me.  He no longer has an OkCupid profile.

I had been flaked on twice in less than 18 hours, and those were the guys who’d had good opening lines.

I swear.  True story.

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