Archive for November, 2010

11:29 A.M.

Just got off the phone with Abel.  Yep, he called.  And he said he wasn’t going to “right away rush me for sex.”  How sweet.  And he said he doesn’t want Laura to know anything.  But they’re still seeing each other – which Laura hasn’t told me at all.  I thought it was over but no, she’s hanging on.  Why?  Obviously ’cause she likes him.  So we don’t discuss Abel at all.  She didn’t even call me last night.  We did have lunch together and all but still, she usually calls.  Oh well.  What you don’t know can’t hurt you.  Henry probably still think that I only pine away for him.  Sean knows I like Henry – saw the hickey from him – and knows I kissed Abel but he’s such an understanding and unjealous person.

9:51 P.M.

When I got home there was a message of a baby crying.  And it was a real baby.  Maybe Laura thought my diapers were soiled.  I’ll ask

11:46 P.M.

Once again, I feel like a whore.  Why?  And why can men do it so easily to me?  I didn’t kiss Abel last night so he walked away from me and will probably never call.  I don’t care.  But I do.  Why?  He’s a freaky asshead.  And he kept talking about his damn Public Enemy shirt.  Who gives a fuck?  Well, he can just float on what a good kisser I am.  The memory will build itself up until he has to call me and then I can tell him off, I hope.

Sean saw the hickey I got from Henry and even commented on it.  But I don’t think he knows which one it’s from.  He’s so good to me.  There when I need him to be and not when I don’t.  He likes kissing to.  He gets into it completely. That’s a good quality.

For a while now, I’ve been really itchy and sometimes it hurt to urinate.  Tonight I noticed sore-type things on my outer lips.  I don’t know why it just occurred to me that it could be some STD.  Oh shit why did I throw all that planned parenthood literature away?  I’m so glad Sean was adamant about wearing a rubber ’cause I would feel guilty .  No doubt from Nathan – I knew nothing about him.  Why did I do it?  I wasn’t even turned on.  Oh shit!  I’ll have to get my mommy to take me – probably on the pretense of a yeast infection.  How long to these things take to show?  ‘Cause according to my calculations it would’ve been the first or second week of July – probably the second.  Yep July 9-10.  Don’t they take months to show up?  Shit, I wish I knew.  And now Sean could get something in his mouth, on his tongue.  Please, let me be alright and just a little bit hypochondriactic.  [No spelling bee winners here.  (Something else Henry told me about that night.)]

1:02 A.M.

The phone rang at 12:44 A.M. 2x but it was in the bathroom.  It was probably Henry ’cause he’s gotten int the habit of not leaving messages and I usually answer after one ring.  But poo, I feel like talking to him to tell him that for someone who doesn’t know how to give a hickey, he sure did make a strange mark on my neck.

My neighbors are/were having a fight rather loudly.  The cops just came to my door ’cause whoever called them said it was a domestic squabble in apartment C.  I was sort of entertained by the thing.  Why did they have to break it up?

Tomorrow morning Laura and I are going to go to the beach.  Well, Sean’s more appropriately and he wants us to go to breakfast at some place he frequents.  Hopefully I can get someone to work for me Sunday at Nautilus so we can stay longer.  But I don’t know.  Maybe I just won’t show up.

Just saw my neighbor – she’s not looking so hot.  I think boyfriend was taken away by the peace officers, ol Michelle tried to go somewhere in her car but I don’t think she can concentrate enough.

1:18 A.M.

Why do I keep trying to figure that boy out?  Stress on boy.  If he told me to jump … but I don’t know now.  Things seem so different.  I feel so different.  I really don’t believe we’ll ever have sex but of course the hope is still there.  Like he asked me what I’m doing tomorrow night and I got out of simple inquiry that he’s gonna come over but just ’cause I’ve thougth of it, it won’t happen.

Sean never called back.  I left a message with a human when I called earlier but oh well.  Perhaps he knew I would’ve lured him over here.  And he gives in to me – I don’t know if I like it or not.

11:14 P.M.

Does Henry remember telling me about catnip?  I just remembered he told me I should get a plant and make it accessible to the cat (obviously this was a while ago) so she could go crazy when she chose.  Why does he call me in the morning?  I guess it’s the only time I’m home that he had time.  I got a tattoo yesterday.  I needed one.  I needed the pain, the permanence.  I got the title page design from the book, Toplin.  D.J. has the book (still, I hope) so maybe she can send me some cutouts of it – there should be one at the beginning of each chapter.  I got it on the inside of my right ankle and I’m quite pleased.  Sunday night I kissed Abel.  He called Tuesday to apologise for “everything.”  He needn’t apologize ’cause I’m sure not sorry.  I had wanted to kiss him for a while and I did.  Of course it sort of strained things with Laura but I’m the one who told her we had kissed – she hadn’t seen in the crowd at 1970s (all schvoogies all the time).  On Monday before I went to work, we had a discussion about me pushing people away before they get a chance to leave – because they do leave.

Also I want to be able to do whatever I want and still be forgiven – even though I know I really shouldn’t be.  This, of course, I didn’t voice to Laura.  Sometimes I think I have no morals – I’d have sex with just about anyone – given the slightest attraction.

So Abel was gonna call things off anyway and Laura has Bill.  Abel said he “knew it was gonna end up like this.”  But I don’t know how it’s ended up.

Laura told me it was my move – that I could call her.  So I was gonna take some space from her – I had been hostile since last Sunday when she said she didn’t like Duchess de Sade.  But then she called me last night to invite me out for tomorrow night.  And I said yes but I think I’ll duck out ’cause I have to work Friday morning and ’cause I do need my space.  I imagined that after I figured my self out and got me together, then I’d call her and tell her how I am.  By then, of course, time would’ve healed all wounds and it would be back to what it was like at the beginning.  But she called.  And today at work, I guess it was like everything was fine.  Only to me it wasn’t.  I felt uncomfortable.  I think I might quit that job.  But I’ll want another one in it’s place.

I wonder if Abel will call me again.  I mean, he is horny, and he thinks I’m a sure thing.  Who knows?  And who knows why my life is so fucked up?  I would love to fix it.  I think a car will be my answer but I know more will spring up.  Hmm.

11:48 P.M.

I want Henry to be a friend – only.  I want to be able to feel comfortable with him.  Mother convinced me that he’s probably gay.  But just because he doesn’t like me doesn’t mean he doesn’t like girls – though I would like to think that.  Maybe I just don’t do it for him.  But I did at one time.  Oh hell, I don’t know.  So on Wednesday I asked my mother if she would give me a ride to Club Lingerie to see Duchess de Sade on Friday.  She reluctantly said yes.  ON Friday I called to confirm.  At 6:20 she left a message telling me that she was going to Ruth’s Mother’s but to call about a ride.  I called and left a message 3 (that’s three) times.  They were going on at ten thirty so I figured I could get there between 10:15 and eleven ’cause most likely they’d be late.  So Mother called around 10:15ish to say she was so sorry but she forgot about me.  Oh.  Laura and I had been talking but I could not convince her to drive me.  So I was kind of mad about that .  Acutally what I wanted to do was go by my self in my won car.  But no, I don’t have my own fucking car, so I started crying on the phone – 1) she flaked on me, 2) I don’t have a car, 3) I like(d) Henry so much but he won’t do anything about it, 4) it must make him feel so good to know that I just totally like him and (he thinks) don’t go for other guys in hopes that he’ll come around.  That’s when my life started falling apart.

Saturday night Laura and I were going to go to a “party.”  There were nine people there including us.  I was bored the whole night.  I wasn’t talking very nice to Laura.  Bla bla bla.  She called me after she dropped me off and told me that what I had said bothered her and also that I told her that Abel and I had kissed.  She said what bothered her about that was me saying it was no big deal because I didn’t like him.  I still don’t understand that part completely – I guess she thought it was a big deal weather I liked him or not because the actions still happened.  We used no tongues so I honestly think/thought it was nothing – I just wanted to tell her to keep my conscious clear.  I really don’t feel like going on to Sunday night as of yet.  Why hasn’t Abel called me?

1:08 P.M.

Sean came over last night.  Yep it happened.  But I just kept thinking to myself that I wasn’t as excited as I could or should have been.  Oh well, can’t go back now.  And when he was in the shower, I called Henry.  I really don’t know what’s wrong with me either.  Henry was asleep but called me back later.  Ghost Story had a show last night and the band got dollar drinks so we went a wee-bit overboard.  (A lot.)  I ordered the book at work that has how to get into the Janus Society, etc.

August 13 food:

  • 3 Nestles Crunch ice cream nuggets
  • chocolate donuts
  • lowfat milk
  • gum

Rubbers are the most unromantic and yucky things. They destroy a moment, the noise is annoying, and they feel like plastic.  I want a car damn it.

People I’ve kissed:

  • Chris Sundberg
  • Wyn Scott
  • Terrence
  • James
  • Jason Bornstein
  • Nicole Smith
  • Marisol
  • Chris Higgins
  • Henry Valenzuela
  • Nathan
  • Jake
  • Jeremy Garbina
  • Robbie Sykoski
  • Mike
  • Erica Lenart
  • Amy Blankenfeld
  • Sally Hines
  • Erin
  • Rachel Eddins
  • Dan Higgins
  • Sean Wike
  • Joe
  • Shannon Fitzsimmons
  • Abel

I know there are more but I’ll add them as I think of ‘em.  I want a car so I don’t have to sit around my house being bored all the time.  But I don’t see it happening real soon ’cause I have no money.  300 dollars won’t buy me much of a car.  I only need about 700 more – that’ll be another 4 months at least.  Then there’s insurance, etc.  Why does my hair have to fall out so much?  It’s quite annoying.  I’m not going to shower before I go to work.  Then afterwords I’m coming home and going to sleep.  Is it so wrong for me to want to have sex with Henry?  Even though from what he’s demonstrated in person, I doubt if he’ll be very good.  I’m very tired of this fucking gardener.  I hate the loud fucking equipment that is unnecessary.  I wish I knew what I want to do when I grow up.

8:31 P.M.

No talkin;


All action

— “Ocean Size,” Nothing’s Shocking, Jane’s Addiction

August 14 food:

  • Chocolate donuts
  • milk
  • 3 slices cheese
  • Hagen Daaz bar
  • In-N-Out burger
  • French fries
  • Lite Cool Whip
  • sunflower seeds