1:15 am

Got home from Monterey.  Got to see a really neat cemetery there, it was too cool.  The light makes a lot of noise.  But then so does my writing.  I am very cold, I think my tits are going to turn to rocks and fall off my body.  I’m just avoiding what I really have to think about–here goes.  Messages on the answering machine from Erica–call me, I’m bored (at the time thought that one was Kristin), laughing ball, pink elephants on parade, Rocky Horror.  So I call and talk to Shannon for a while but then [Step-Sister] has to use the phone.  So I let her then call Kristin, she tells me she doesn’t think Erica and I are going to work out and that we were better as friends after I told her that Juree’s been telling Erica she loves her.  So then I call Shannon back and we talk about various insundry [sic] things.  Erica wasn’t even there because she’s spending the night at Juree’s house.  Let me say I’m quite happy.  Supposedly, Juree has to move to either Stockton or San Diego and has to be out of her house by Tuesday because they can no longer afford it.  Tuesday in the middle of the month seems quite odd to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if Juree only said that to get DORKO TO GO TO HER HOUSE SO SHE COULD HAVE SEX WITH HER.  I can only wish ERICA WOULD SAY THAT NO I CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU BECAUSE I LOVE SUZANNE AND IF I HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE, she’ll Break up With me and I dont’ WANT THAT BECAUSE I NEED HER AND LOVE HER SO MUCH.  BUT I KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME.  NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.  What have I done?  Why can’t I be loved?  And I know Erica will have sex no matter what.  She DOESN’T CARE ABOUT RISKing a relationSHIP BECAUSE IF SHE DID She never would have risked the perfect one with Juree by having sex with AMY.  I HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TO HER SHE WANTED ME TO TELL HER I LOVE HER, AND I DID.  She coulD HAVE TOLD ME TO JUMP Off A BRIDGE AND I Probably WOULD HAVE DONE IT.  BUT NOW I’M NUMB.  I DON’T care it doesn’t matter because I know now that for some reason I don’t deserve love she wasnt fair to me she shouldve waited to start things with me until she was done with juree i deserve better than this maybe I dont I dont know anything anymore I wonder if I have to work tomorrow who cares erica should probably keep her job so her weekend commutes to either stocton or san diego can be paid for why should i care anymore no one cares about me its almost as if shannons doing it on purpose she keeps telling me im being taken for granted and now im rid of a dead weight i dont’t feel heavey i feel light now that i realize no one cares about me i feel heavy i guess ill just go on get out of school get out of here get away from the bother and the pain i know id get hurt but i couldnt see it so close i thought maybe all id done had done some good but it didnt im still the loser ill always be the loser because i dont deserve to win this isnt my fault why am i trying to make it maybe if id been home sooner to call she wouldve come to me instead shannon wouldnt give me jurees phone number because she said it wouldnt do me any good to call but i just wanted erica to hear my voice so she could feel the most extreme case of guilt possible im sure glad i didnt put a lot of eye makeup on today because wouldve run down my face by now i keep hoping its not true but i know it is theyre probably fucking right now well i sure hope erica likes the way she is in bed ’cause thats the only person wholl do it with her now she is better than me because she was only so much in love with her whenever they had sex why can’t someone be so much in love with me i already took the chain off and im going to ask for the tape back im hoping shell beg my forgivness and then i can be in power to say i didnt want her anyway maybe kristin was right maybe i am just lonely im not in love just stupid im an idiot why did i ever think i could think about caring about someon who is so stupid oh yea cause im an idot thats from kristen pertaining to kurt my thumb looks like a piece of paper it has so much writing on it i want to hurt her so bad i hope she feels so dirty after this that she does peel off all her skin and bleeds to death and i hope i find the body and the bathtub full of blood so i can drink it till im satisfied and till taste even better because its impure sins soaked blood.  I LOVE BEING SICK AND I HOPE SHE DIES WANTING TO BEG FOR MY Forgiveness BUT CAN’T BECAUSE I WONT TALK TO HER BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, LIKE CLEAN MY ROOM, PICK MY NOSE, WAX A FLOOR, LICK A TOILET CLEAN, ETC.  I called I did everything for her and she’s fucking Juree–the cute one the perfect one the one who can do no wrong the only one she can ever love I’m glad I’m rid of her, she’s sick, she’s got some shit (ooh good sh hates that word) going on inside the fucked brain of hers I want her to kill herself because of me.  (I’m getting scared at myself because I really do mean this and I truly believe I would love to find the bloody body so I could laugh.)

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