10:28 pm

Another weekend goes by, another week of pain, oh well, it’s worth it right?  Saturday Erica told me she wanted to live with me and that I’m good for her, why didn’t she see it before, etc.  Whenever we’re together we don’t do much but have sex.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad but oh well.  Sunday she came over here (ha, bad pun) and we attempted to watch 9 1/2 Weeks.  Of course we didn’t see the whole thing.  I have never seen a whole movie with her but am I complaining?  I was supposed to be at work but called in sick so I couldn’t be home.  We all, including [Step-Sister], went over to Shannon’s.  We tried to watch A Clockwork Orange but Shannon’s mom got quite offended.  Erica was in a tissy [sic] so she went upstairs, where I soon followed.  We were doing stuff with [Step-Sister] downstairs, which almost made it more exciting.  But then [Step-Sister] and Shannon came up to talk to us, etc.  Shannon has some terrible timing but at least she was loud enough going up the stairs to warn us.  They left (thank God) and we were happy.  Shannon told us that Ryan was there but Erica said to say she wasn’t there.  She told me how sexy my mouth was and how classic my face.  She sucked on my lips so much that my bottom one is bruised.  (It looks like I sucked on a pen.)  Then she was fucking me and I wanted it harder but she said she wanted to be gentle and for me to do it myself.  So I arranged her hand so I could put my body into it.  But that wasn’t what she meant, she meant for me to do it myself.  I was a wee-bit surprised because she always talks badly about masturbation like it’s gross. Si I did it in front of her and … Shannon knocked on the door.  The woman has some awesome timing.  Erica asked if I had ever done that before and I said not in front of anyone but by myself.  I wonder if she’s ever watched anyone before.  Maybe, but from the way she’s talked, I don’t think so.  She said something like new experience so maybe. I wonder when I’ll surpass Juree.  I want to be better than her, I want Erica to “get off” more with me.  She said that really, really turned her on.  Well, I hope so.  I asked if it was just going to keep getting better and she said she’ll make sure of it.  So I’m looking forward to next weekend, I don’t feel dirty all all, I don’t feel like that’s the only reason she likes me, like I have with guys.

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You, lovely readers, make me exceedingly happy, ’tis true. However, very few of you have availed yourself of that donate button.

I’m poor. Really poor. So poor the Ex and Roomie have moved in with me. If you’re unclear as to what a big fucking deal this is, let me make it clear: The Ex is my ex-husband (10 year anniversary would have been yesterday 9/9/09; we’re officially divorced as of 12/31/08) and Roomie is his girlfriend.

The three of us, along with Isis, an adorable doberman, and Joaquin, an extremely furry but tiny (7lbs.) feline, live in a one-bedroom loft.

“Loft” is euphemism for no fucking privacy whatsoever. The bedroom is in the loft area, but it has no 4th wall or door, just some curtains. The couple sleeps in the “bedroom” while I sleep on the couch.

Tough economic times.

But I want to be able to keep writing, to continue to post daily, to occasionally give y’all dirty photos. To do so I need some financial incentive. I know, money is dirty and disgusting, but it’s a fact of life.

So please, donate. Every little bit counts, though as readers of Random Rim Jobs you know I like ‘em big.

Donate, bitches.

Oh, yeah, those who donate generously will get dirty pics of me. WAY dirtier than I’ve ever posted either here or on Twitter. Trust me, they’re hot. If you want to see ‘em donate generously.

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1:15 am

Got home from Monterey.  Got to see a really neat cemetery there, it was too cool.  The light makes a lot of noise.  But then so does my writing.  I am very cold, I think my tits are going to turn to rocks and fall off my body.  I’m just avoiding what I really have to think about–here goes.  Messages on the answering machine from Erica–call me, I’m bored (at the time thought that one was Kristin), laughing ball, pink elephants on parade, Rocky Horror.  So I call and talk to Shannon for a while but then [Step-Sister] has to use the phone.  So I let her then call Kristin, she tells me she doesn’t think Erica and I are going to work out and that we were better as friends after I told her that Juree’s been telling Erica she loves her.  So then I call Shannon back and we talk about various insundry [sic] things.  Erica wasn’t even there because she’s spending the night at Juree’s house.  Let me say I’m quite happy.  Supposedly, Juree has to move to either Stockton or San Diego and has to be out of her house by Tuesday because they can no longer afford it.  Tuesday in the middle of the month seems quite odd to me and I wouldn’t be surprised if Juree only said that to get DORKO TO GO TO HER HOUSE SO SHE COULD HAVE SEX WITH HER.  I can only wish ERICA WOULD SAY THAT NO I CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOU BECAUSE I LOVE SUZANNE AND IF I HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE, she’ll Break up With me and I dont’ WANT THAT BECAUSE I NEED HER AND LOVE HER SO MUCH.  BUT I KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME.  NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.  What have I done?  Why can’t I be loved?  And I know Erica will have sex no matter what.  She DOESN’T CARE ABOUT RISKing a relationSHIP BECAUSE IF SHE DID She never would have risked the perfect one with Juree by having sex with AMY.  I HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TO HER SHE WANTED ME TO TELL HER I LOVE HER, AND I DID.  She coulD HAVE TOLD ME TO JUMP Off A BRIDGE AND I Probably WOULD HAVE DONE IT.  BUT NOW I’M NUMB.  I DON’T care it doesn’t matter because I know now that for some reason I don’t deserve love she wasnt fair to me she shouldve waited to start things with me until she was done with juree i deserve better than this maybe I dont I dont know anything anymore I wonder if I have to work tomorrow who cares erica should probably keep her job so her weekend commutes to either stocton or san diego can be paid for why should i care anymore no one cares about me its almost as if shannons doing it on purpose she keeps telling me im being taken for granted and now im rid of a dead weight i dont’t feel heavey i feel light now that i realize no one cares about me i feel heavy i guess ill just go on get out of school get out of here get away from the bother and the pain i know id get hurt but i couldnt see it so close i thought maybe all id done had done some good but it didnt im still the loser ill always be the loser because i dont deserve to win this isnt my fault why am i trying to make it maybe if id been home sooner to call she wouldve come to me instead shannon wouldnt give me jurees phone number because she said it wouldnt do me any good to call but i just wanted erica to hear my voice so she could feel the most extreme case of guilt possible im sure glad i didnt put a lot of eye makeup on today because wouldve run down my face by now i keep hoping its not true but i know it is theyre probably fucking right now well i sure hope erica likes the way she is in bed ’cause thats the only person wholl do it with her now she is better than me because she was only so much in love with her whenever they had sex why can’t someone be so much in love with me i already took the chain off and im going to ask for the tape back im hoping shell beg my forgivness and then i can be in power to say i didnt want her anyway maybe kristin was right maybe i am just lonely im not in love just stupid im an idiot why did i ever think i could think about caring about someon who is so stupid oh yea cause im an idot thats from kristen pertaining to kurt my thumb looks like a piece of paper it has so much writing on it i want to hurt her so bad i hope she feels so dirty after this that she does peel off all her skin and bleeds to death and i hope i find the body and the bathtub full of blood so i can drink it till im satisfied and till taste even better because its impure sins soaked blood.  I LOVE BEING SICK AND I HOPE SHE DIES WANTING TO BEG FOR MY Forgiveness BUT CAN’T BECAUSE I WONT TALK TO HER BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, LIKE CLEAN MY ROOM, PICK MY NOSE, WAX A FLOOR, LICK A TOILET CLEAN, ETC.  I called I did everything for her and she’s fucking Juree–the cute one the perfect one the one who can do no wrong the only one she can ever love I’m glad I’m rid of her, she’s sick, she’s got some shit (ooh good sh hates that word) going on inside the fucked brain of hers I want her to kill herself because of me.  (I’m getting scared at myself because I really do mean this and I truly believe I would love to find the bloody body so I could laugh.)

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I hope you don’t mind the email as opposed to a singular, brief, comment. After spending a lunch break reading through your blog I knew I had to pass the link on to my friend, we’ll just call her Susie for now, for some much needed insight. Susie is, for lack of a better word, awesome! She’s beautiful, in great shape, witty, charming, and intelligent; she’s also amazing in bed and perhaps one of the most sexually voracious people I’ve ever met, for the most part. I say for the most part because she has some inexplicable anxiety regarding her own sexuality, a “buyers remorse” of sex.

Susie and I met 5 years ago while I was in an open relationship with her friend, who was very openly bi-sexual, while Susie was not. From the beginning, it was pretty easy to see that Susie and I had a real sexual attraction to each other, and the more we hung out the more inevitable it was that we were going to get it on. So one night, while the three of us were out celebrating an event, after a few martinis and a bottle of wine, we decided Susie was much too drunk to drive home and since we only had one bed, that we would need to share it. Knowing that my girlfriend had always had a crush on Susie, and that the tension between the three of us that night was at a boiling point, I made the move to softly seduce Susie into her first threesome. Afterward, Susie spent an hour or so gushing over how that was the best sexual experience she had ever had, the things she wanted to try next time, and how she had never known sex could be so amazing. She stayed the night, and after she left in the morning, we didn’t hear from Susie again for a few months. She went off the radar, played phone tag, and just generally kept herself hidden. The next time we would hear from her was a booty call. She had gotten drunk to work up the courage to invite us over, while her roommates were out, and was very clear on her expectations. My girlfriend and I arrived to find Susie in an open front robe and a smile, she invited us in for drinks and was very sexually aggressive towards me, again we had an amazing night, explored some new territories, and Susie gushed over the experience. Again, for the next few months we didn’t hear from Susie.

At our next reunion, over drinks, Susie confided that each time she had really, honestly, enjoyed the experience, but would find herself feeling like a “whore” the next day and would purposely avoid us, but that she would find herself masturbating to the memory of what we had done. She also came to the realization that she was strictly dickly, well more of a pillow princess; she didn’t mind the FFM threesome as long as she was on the receiving end, and that she had no idea what to do to a vagina that wasn’t hers. My girlfriend was very understanding and, because it was obvious that Susie was in need that night, gave Susie and I her blessing to go at it with alone when we wanted to,  provided that she could at least watch that night. For the next couple of years Susie and I would get together on occasion, usually after she had found some liquid courage, and she’d have me help her explore the things that were in her imagination, and often afterwords we would talk, and she let on that while she still loved the things we did together, she continued to suffer from feeling like a “whore” and that there was something wrong with her. I consider myself sexually enlightened, and I don’t pay credence to the stereotype of a woman being less of a person for having the same, or more, sexual desires a man has; I tried to enforce that idea with her, that her sexuality and her appetite were not an abnormality, and that she should feel an empowerment from them or at the very least allow herself to enjoy herself. Though she and I are, well we consider ourselves, strictly friends, and she has had a handful of relationships, we continue to get together, often. She feels comfortable enough to text me her fantasies, or to invite to drinks with the understanding that I am going to put out, and on more than one occasion to help her with a MMF threesome. She still continues to have that nagging sexual self esteem issue, and for all that she wants, she doubts herself after every encounter.

Then, yesterday, I sent her your link, and told her to read through the whole thing, and it was like someone had finally turned on the light for her finally. After only reading the first few entries, she began texting me with comments on similarities that she could see and drawing parallels in your experiences. We went for drinks last night and we discussed your posts, and she said it made her realize that (maybe) there is nothing wrong with her and that she felt that your writing on your experiences weren’t trashy or sleazy in any way and that it made her feel more at ease with her lust and not so alone. All I could do was smile, it was everything I’d hoped she’d come to realize on her own. This morning, I can see her 3 cubes over, she’s smiling, contently.

In a single day your blog has done what I’ve spent 5 years trying to do, empower one woman who desperately needed to find peace with that part of who she is.

Best Regards,

Twitter:  @vaginacology

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My admiration for the German language was confirmed (and later reconfirmed) one night when I was watching the movie, the Lives of Others. It is a great, great movie in German with subtitles for those of us who need ‘em. I was enthralled by the story, of course, but I also found myself getting turned on. Of course.

I soon realized an orgasm was something I was going to have to have. I was in no mood to go out or to have someone over (I still needed to finish the movie), but I didn’t want “just” masturbate (though masturbation is a glorious thing).  I chose to post an ad on Craig’s List.

I think I posted it in Casual Encounters, but I KNOW I made clear that I was looking for phone sex only, in German, and that night.  The responses were varied, but none of them adhered to the requirements of the ad.

I had a few guys respond in German.  I know I made it clear that I wanted to have phone sex in German, but that I couldn’t understand it, but that didn’t seem to matter.  I know absolutely no German, so I couldn’t respond in German.  Besides, that just showed they didn’t read my ad carefully.

Other guys had clearly not read my ad at all.  It was becoming apparent that my desires were not to be fulfilled on such short notice.  I was going to have to settle.

I get turned on hearing any language I can’t understand.  Because of the movie I was in the mood for German, but other languages will definitely do.  I was horny, so I settled for a native French speaker.

He called me, said most everything in French, fast enough so I couldn’t understand despite my years of French in high school (so, really, hardly any), and I masturbated to orgasm.  I neither know nor care if he was saying anything that was actually sexy because it sounded sexy to me.

I swear.  True story.

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