More than two weeks late, the winner of the ass euphemism contest.  The winner had some excellent reasoning, and he wrote well, as well.  And I like the celebration of the ass as sexual object rather than waste disposal station.  Bonus is that the winner has received a photo of MY ass.

An Ass by Any Other Name
Ode to an Orifice

I don’t have any cute or euphemistic names for a lady’s bottom. I don’t care what *you* want to call it. I just call it “paradise”. A nicely shaped ass stands on it’s own (or sits, as the case may be). It simply is.

OK, I occasionally call it a “bum”. Such a nice round word for something so nice and round.

I’ve always been an ass-man for as long as I can remember… back to my early experiences with porn as a teen. Anal scenes always had special allure. Was it that is was somehow raunchier or dirtier? Or was it a simple appreciation of the perfection of smoothly curved buttocks with that inviting tight puckered orifice tucked between them? Both, I expect.

The ass is so much fun. Lightly running a hand over the swelling curve. Roughly grabbing & slapping. Nuzzling, kissing, and licking. Nibbling, nipping, and biting.

The hot, moist warmth found inside. The orgasmic clenching around a deep delving finger. The spasming under the attentions of probing tongue. And always within tongues reach of a hot, wet pussy. All so wonder and exciting.

Thank you so much.

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Time for another contest, kids. And this coordinates nicely with the Everything Butt Logo Look-Alike Contest on

Just like my last contest, I would like y’all to comment with euphemistic names for naughty bits. This time I want your favorite words/phrases for the ass and asshole and–very important–WHY you like that particular word/phrase. I want to know how your nasty little minds work.

The Random Rim Jobs Ass By Any Other Name contest will be open until Friday, July 31, 2009. Multiple entries are welcome. I will make my final decision by Friday, August 7, 2009. The winner gets the glory of a pretty post with his/her filthy words highlighted, and a dirty picture of me. The winner will be determined solely by me, for reasons I may or may not disclose.

For the Everything Butt contest, go to to vote for the photograph that most closely resembles the Everything Butt logo. I think mine (No. 6) looks the closest, but I am a tad biased. The rules for voting, etc., are provided there.

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I’ve picked a winner of the “A Pussy By Any Other Name” contest.  As indicated in the call for comments, I was most interested in the reasoning behind the love for the particular euphemisms.

Since I made it clear that I would determine the winner on my own and for arbitrary reasons, I decided I could be completely frivolous.

There were five front-runners.  At least one I didn’t choose because she’s a close friend of my sister.  I love my sister, and it’s obvious she has excellent taste in ladies, but until I meet this friend in person (Pride is coming up and I do have room at my place–HINT), I don’t feel confident about passing on a dirty photo.

One lady has confirmed she’s coming to town for some sexy fun times.  Really, since she’ll be seeing me in person, should I bother giving her a “free” preview and depriving someone else?  Yeah, didn’t think so.

Another lady has claimed she’ll come to San Francisco (with her boyfriend, yay!) before the end of the year so I don’t see that I should give her a reason not to come visit.

So it was down to two.  I made my final decision on sexiness and grammar:  the person in second place didn’t use the proper there/their/they’re.  There is a reason I have a tag, “words count.”  It’s because words have specific meanings, about which I care very much.

The winner:

Sometimes simple is the way to go. I like the term “it” for both cock and cunt (those being my preferred terms during the sex act or acts); proper usage: “grab it,” “suck it,” or “I can’t fucking wait to taste it.” I also tend to drift off before even getting to a word for the pussy, as in “god damn, i love pounding this fucking…” Language often fails us, and this failure is often more evocative than anything we could come up with.

There’s also “wet,” or “that wet,” which is probably just operating on the same idea.

That’s just fucking sexy.

Thank you all for participating.  It’s certainly been titillating making my final decision.

My next contest will involve euphemisms for the butt and the butt hole.  I’ll let y’all know when that fun experiment runs.  In the mean time, please keep reading and thinking.

Also, if you really want to see a dirty pic of me without winning a contest, click that donate button and see if it’s enough to get you on my good side (he he).

I swear.  True story.

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I need other words for “pussy.”  I like “cunt,” but even that gets old.  A lot of the other words simply are not sexy.

  • Fuckhole, hole, box, snatch, slit:  nasty sexy if used in the right context;
  • Twat:  makes me think of a stupid person;
  • Fly catcher:  insulting;
  • Honey pot:  hot but easily slips into cheesy;
  • Gates of Heaven:  lame; if a guy said he wanted to enter my gates of heaven, I’d laugh my ass off, which would probably mess with his hard-on, but if during funny, silly sex it’d be ok;
  • Gash:  maybe, in a really dirty way.

And for the men:  cock and dick are good, of course, but they’re sometimes overused.

  • Fuckstick:  funny;
  • Prick, tool, rod: good, but could easily become silly;
  • Willy, peter:  the penis referred to as either of these is small.

I invite you, my dear readers, to comment with your favorite words for genitalia.  I also want to know your reasons why they’re your favorite words.  Please, be dirty as well as sweet.  I want to know what your depraved minds think, and I want to know the history behind your love of the particular words or phrases.  Comment with the most mundane and most creative, please.  You can use some of the words I’ve used, so long as the story behind your choice is interesting.

The “winner” (which will be arbitrarily determined solely by me) will get a fun dirty (as in sans clothing) image of yours truly.  Additionally, the “winner” will be featured in a a future post.  Right now I’m interested only in words for naughty bits.  If this goes well, in the future there will be more “contests” that will cover other topics.

Please spread the word, as the more responses the more entertaining for me, and y’all.  This “competition” will be open for one week, until I post on Monday, June 15, 2009.  I will make my final decision by Friday, June 19, 2009, and the lucky person will get said dirty picture just in time for a weekend wank.  Comment as many times as you’d like so I have more dirty messages to read.

I swear.  True story.

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