Chicago’s Shallow Dating Pool (Part 2)

[Continued from "Chicago's Shallow Dating Pool (Part 1)."]

As soon as I saw him I knew I didn’t want to fuck him.  He might have been charming enough to disabuse me of that notion, but his boring-as-shit personality didn’t do it for me.

Worst of all, he had fucked teeth.  There was a gap between the front two, which I don’t like, but there were also gaps between all the other teeth I could see.  When I look at a person I look at his mouth.  I couldn’t tell you what color the guy’s eyes were, but his teeth and mouth made my stomach turn.

Along with the series of fucked up teeth, he was chewing gum.  Gum can be chewed in a polite manner – with one’s mouth closed – but he wasn’t polite.  His piece of gum kept coming to the front of his mouth and nearly fell out a couple times.  With those teeth I wondered how he could chew gum.  He could do it very poorly and very nauseatingly.

The basket of popcorn was still on the table.  I had had one piece and decided that cold, greasy popcorn was not for me.  The only thing worse would have been if it was also burnt.  He put a piece of popcorn in his mouth along with the gum.  I told him the popcorn was gross.  He agreed and continued to eat it.  After several pieces, he took his gum out and put it in a napkin.

He asked me if I liked swallowing come.  It was a fine question.  I wasn’t offended, just annoyed.  I wasn’t going to have this guy’s come anywhere near me so it didn’t really matter what I did with it, but I told him what I tell everyone who asks, “I think it’s rude to spit it out.”

The bartender came over to close out the tab because it was the end of her shift.  After he paid he asked if I wanted another drink.  Not if having another drink meant sitting across from those teeth.

I told him I was leaving.  “Do you wanna come back to my place?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

I wanted to say, “Because your teeth are repulsive and you’re kind of creepy.”  Instead, I said, “Because I don’t want to.”

That should have been that.  Anyone who could read my body language or hear the words coming out of my mouth would have said, “Well, it was nice to meet you.”

This guy wasn’t too bright though.  He asked if there was a chance in the future.  Dude, drop it already.  I said we’d see.  The wheedling was not helping his case at all, and when he asked two more times about getting together again, I said a firm goodbye and left.

I realized the guy hadn’t even seen me standing up.  There was a chance that he didn’t like short women with big asses.  But I got the idea that so long as I was a woman who was willing to fuck him, he’d like me.

He didn’t get the message because when I got home he texted me:

So what do you think about future “relations”

What I thought was that there was no way I wanted to fuck him, ever.  What I texted him:

I think we should just drop it.

Again, I was pretty damn clear without being cruel.  It’s not like telling him his teeth made me want to hurl would be helpful.  Surely if he could afford braces he’d already have had them.

But he didn’t give up:

Why is that?

Because you’re repulsive and now you’re practically begging me to insult you.  Instead:

It’s best not to ask questions you’d rather not know the answer to.  Let’s just leave it at that.

But he did not leave it at that.  It must’ve been a very long time since he got some pussy.

Gotcha…sorry if it was something I said.

Yeah, he was kind of creepy, but really it was the teeth.

Nothing you said.

Again, a perfect opportunity to stop.  If someone told me they didn’t want to fuck me and said it wasn’t something I said, I would assume it was something to do with my looks, most of which I have absolutely no control over, and move the fuck on.  Not this guy:

Why do you think I wouldn’t wanna know?

Because you must already know that your teeth are really quite horribly fucked up.  I didn’t bother responding.

Yeah, I’m going to try again, because I don’t think Gap-Tooth Nick is representative.  I’ve responded to some of the messages on OkCupid and I have some dates lined up.

I swear.  True story.