February 10, 1992: A Diary Entry

Posted on October 15, 2011 by ShazamChi

7:34P.M.

Henry said he’d come over tonight but who knows.  I’ve been trying to call him at work but he phone’s been busy and now I finally got through and some girl answered.  Could have been anyone but no one I wanted to talk to.  He probably won’t call at all tonight and I don’t have any other night free ’cause I start school tomorrow night.  And he makes me so mad.  To think I was going to call to apologize for nagging all the time about him being a flake.  And I’m still hopeful, dammit.  I imagine what it’ll be like when he’s here.  How it will feel to touch him and kiss him and hold him.  Why do I let this happen?  I just want to surrender everything to him and he doesn’t even want it.

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Photo Lotto 12

Posted on October 14, 2011 by ShazamChi

I like to think I’m not a boob man, but I clearly am, even if I’m not a man (gender).  These lovey breasts would be a whole lot – A WHOLE FUCKING LOT – of fun for play.

Her tits, as well as the rest of her look like a fun.  One would hope that her body not only looks like fun but also that she has a great personality and all that.

But it’s mostly those tits.  Ok, maybe it’s been “too long” since I’ve been able to handle any but my own, but I promise I could have a whole lot of fun ….

Nipples in my mouth.  Face buried between breasts.  Skin smelling warm and clean.

I don’t even want to get into the possibility of what’s inside those pink panties ….

I swear.  True story.

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(Not So) Winning Opening Lines (Again x 7)

Posted on October 13, 2011 by ShazamChi

They just keep coming!

WOW! I want to have you do very freaky things to me!

This character and I had a whopping 23% match and his user name indicated that he liked a certain local baseball team.  And he wanted me to do all the work.  The baseball team thing mattered because he cared enough about the team to make it part of his name which means he would try to talk me into going to a game “for the experience.”  An experience that would be wasted on me.

Looks like were a good match (well on paper anyway). Feel free to drop a line if youre up for chatting ;)

Paper?!  His profile was sparse to the point of being worthless; I had no clue if he was worth my chatting time.

What are you doing to keep yourself entertained on this dreary night?

This guy violated my temporal rule, but since he didn’t know that I took a look at this guy’s profile.  His scraggly beard turned me off.  Two strikes, he’s out.  Casual sex isn’t baseball so I don’t have to give ‘em three chances.

I’m pleased to announce I pass the ZIP code challenge

I posed no such challenge, just made plain on my profile that the guys must reside in Chicago.

Hi, Would you like to chat?

No, I would not like to chat, and I made that clear on my profile.

hi. nice to see you on okupid.

I found the familiarity off putting.

So, you have no intrest in single guys? That’s a shame, you are damn sexy.

I disabused him of the notion that I’m not interested in single guys but he didn’t bother following up.  I guess he wasn’t all that interested.

so you look like you might be a lot of fun, think you can handle a big one? :)

I read the guy’s profile, and learned that he was dumb and douchey.  Dumb was evidenced by two sections of his profile saying the same thing, the kind of thing I’m sure he repeats to every potential date in person.  Douchey was evidenced by his assertion that people think of him as Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne.  He was all of 23, and not a mature 23 by the content of his message to me or his profile.  I told him I was not interested in big assholes.

How’s your evening?

Boring.

Remember Jeff?  Well, his memory isn’t so good because he forgot that I didn’t respond to any of his other messages and he sent some more.

Good morning. How are you today?

I didn’t respond that day either.

Just moved to Glenview from MN. I would love to talk! You sound amazingly interesting and you look even better…Rare combo.

It sounds like we would have a great time together.

I am a very creative, passionate, giving person with a great job and an even better hobby…I have been singing since I was 8 years old. I perform, record, write and have a band/dj/karaoke business for fun.

Love to be spontaneuous…yet I am a little to perfectionistic not to plan a little to make it good. Finding a balance.

Well…I will write more when I get a response…No use getting carpal tunnel if you hate me. =)

Karl

Karl seemed very sincere but his very first sentence had already disqualified him.  He moved to a place called Glenview.  Glenview is not Chicago.  My profile makes it abundantly clear – in three places, one of which is in all caps – that suburbanites need not apply.

I love that shirt!!!!

They all do, buddy.

Hi, your my kind of girl, text or e-mail me if you are interested…[email protected]

Melvin

Melvin, you’re not my kind of guy.  Sorry, dude.

Your profile is intense. Real. Unique. I love it.

You sound like a fun person to hang with. The % match is misleading I think, so I disregard it and say hello. Anyway, in your question you say you’d date a guy with certain characteristics. So again I say…hey.

We were less than a 50% match.  I like how he decided that such trivial things didn’t matter.  I don’t know what the fuck he meant by my question or what the supposed certain characteristics are.  I’ve answered many, many questions on OkCupid so he could have been referring to any one of them.  I don’t think any of them indicate I’d date a guy with missing limb or open sores.  I responded and asked him to just tell me what the fuck he was talking about.

I swear.  True story.

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(Not So) Winning Opening Lines (Again x 6)

Posted on October 12, 2011 by ShazamChi

Hey, first to get to the point I am in the city, about 6 stops from the center of the loop. I also spell out most words in texts, although I like to keep texting minimal. I think I’m a decent writer at least in terms of proper grammer and mechanics, but I hope we can pick a time and place to meet without exchanging too many messages; I don’t actually like to write or text message. I’m not going to bother to update my profile, or open a new profile that says what I’m looking for now, but I wouldn’t be messaging you, if I wasn’t looking for the possibly same thing as you right now. (maybe activity partners for cooking and then casual relations) I’m obviously a lot younger and relatively inexperienced, but pretty open minded within reasonableness. Let me know if you’d like to have a conversation in person?

He spelled “grammar” wrong and I have no idea why he thought the last sentence was a question.  Other than that, he says he doesn’t like to communicate, and that he doesn’t have the energy to change his profile.  Further, he’s incredibly vague.  What the fuck is “open minded within reasonableness”?

Why are you on your computer on a Friday night?

Yes, this line was lame.  But not as lame as his OkCupid user name, BustirMufinHalf.  I responded in hopes that he would see how lame he was.  He didn’t.

I think we ere supposed to hook up a while back. I’m still interested in fucking you if you’re up for it.

Wow, wasn’t that nice of him?  And generous!  I had no clue who the guy was, but it was possible that we were supposed to meet, and he interpreted that as supposed to fuck.  I told him I didn’t believe him.

I swear it’s true. You sent me a bunch of naked pictures of yourself that your friend had taken. I think you backed out because you thought I was too young for you.

I have a crap memory and I have been known to share some dirty pictures of myself when I’ve had a few drinks so I asked what I was doing in the pictures.  I also informed him that it was unlikely that I would have thought he was too young for me considering he was 31.  For good measure I told him he had a stupid user name.

I’m dead serious. This was a while ago – maybe 2 years. In the pictures you were masturabating doggy style. You told me a female friend of your took the photos and afterwards the two of you got off together. I could be mistaken, but if ot wasn’t you, she sure looked like you. Also, this person was/is married – that should be a major clue.

So I did some mental math.  Two years ago was around the time Sugar and I were going pretty hot and heavy, but I didn’t remember her ever taking pictures of me.  I also had no idea what “masturbating doggy style” was so it was unlikely that I did it in a photo.  I asked him who was married and to send me the photos so I could confirm that they were of me.

“You” were masturbating in the doggy style position – the pictures were taken from behind with your ass up in the air. The person who sent the photos, whom I believe to be you, was/is married. I no longer have the pictures – as I said this was probably 2 years ago. I also recall that you lived in Rogers Park or somewhere in a northern neighborhood near the lake.

I had to respond.

“Why would you get rid of dirty pictures? I’m having trouble believing you.

1) Even two years ago, when you were 29, you would not have been too young for me – seven years is not a notable age gap.
2) I have never been to, much less lived in, Rogers Park or a neighborhood that far north “near the lake.”
3) There is no way I would have sent some dude in Chicago dirty photos two years ago.
4) I was most definitely not married two years ago.
5) I would NEVER fuck a guy with such a lame screen name and stupid profile.”

OK. I am clearly mistaken then – it wasn’t you. Apparently there is someone on this site that happens to look a lot like you. If you bump into her, could you let her know I’m still interested?

Yeah, because everyone the idiot confuses for each other hangs out together.  I told him he was lame and that his tactic was even lamer.  He countered that it wasn’t so lame because it got me to respond, a lot.  I told him I was mining for material and then didn’t tell him why when he asked.

I swear.  True story.

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(Not So) Winning Opening Lines (Again x 5)

Posted on October 11, 2011 by ShazamChi

I know I said I’d stop with these posts but there’s just too much damn material coming my way for me to ignore.  What kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t share the wealth with my readers?  A shitty one, that’s what kind.  I endeavor to be un-shitty so here you go.

 I hope you’re doing well! I am currently writing an article for a national mens magazine about casual dating/sex through dating websites and would love to chat with you if you have used okcupid for this. All I would need is the first initial of your first name and your age. Would you be interested? I’m interviewing a ton of girls about using dating services for the main purpose casual dating/sex.

I look forward to hearing from you!!

Thanks so much,

Caitlin

I contacted Caitlin, stating I was interested.  Hell, my photo was in the New York Times for an OkCupid story, so why the fuck not do something anonymously?  (Wasn’t that nice of them to crop the photo right at my big ass and thighs?)

Hi, That is great! The article is for Maxim, so they don’t allow interviews via the internet or messages, so do you mind if I give you a call, or if you give me a call? Whatever you’re more comfortable with. Tomorrow morning, I also need to give my editor one or two very quick examples when I talk with her in the morning before me and you chat on the phone, so do you mind quickly messaging me just one or two examples of places you have gone with guys, and what sexy things you have done? It’s for Maxim so the sexier the better!

Would really appreciate it.

I gave Caitlin my phone number and a link to “The Day of Fuck” even though I questioned her writing skills based on the two messages I had gotten from her.  I guess I was too racy even for the supposedly risqué Maxim because I never heard back from Caitlin.

Let’s get together sometime! :)

Let’s not.

Hello how are you? Question? I noticed your status is available which I understand to mean married but open. This has been my status as well. But I get few responses that way. Any tips. Yes I’m sure adding a photo would help.

I’m heading to Chicago next week. Any interest in talking?
Jack

Because I’m nice I gave him some advice.  But not until after making it clear that I am not married.  I guess he didn’t bother taking my advice because he took down his profile soon thereafter.

Good afternoon. My name is Jeff. I am in a poly relationship and work downtown. I would love to find someone in the city to have a drink at lunch with and if more is wanted. I would have no problem getting a room to enjoy an extended lunch or early evening with.

I took a look at Jeff’s profile and decided neither he nor his partner were for me.  Mostly him.  He was 5’5″.  I’m not a height snob, but that is barely taller than me.  Also, in some of his pictures he has a blond beard, something I find pretty fucking gross.  Spencer Pratt-ness is not an attractive trait.

Did I mention I’ll have a hotel downtown?

This one actually appreciated that I responded thusly, “Just having a hotel room in Chicago does not make me want to fuck you.”

Remember Jeff?  Though I did not respond to the previous message, he sent me another:

Good afternoon beautiful.

And another:

Good afternoon. Leaving work early and I was wondering if you would be up for a drink and conversation?

Jeff seemed to think that I happened to be looking at my screen every time he happened to be on OkCupid.  I can imagine how hopeful poor Jeff must have been every time he saw the “Online Now!” on my profile.  My pity wasn’t so great that I responded.

Shazam was my favorite superhero…

I don’t even know who or what the fuck Shazam was.  I think this guy and the guys whose opening lines are similar (there have been many) get excited when they see my name because they think I’m into comic books; I’m not.

Fun profile to read…and I’m with you on the meeting in person thing. And it’s a good way to screen people.

I guess he was right, but he didn’t give me much to work with so I didn’t bother to respond.

Of course there are more.

I swear.  True story.

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Thank You, Mike

Posted on October 10, 2011 by ShazamChi

Any of y’all can comment on any of the posts here on Random Rim Jobs.  I appreciate the feedback, truly I do.  Keep in mind that since this is my blog I get to do whatever the fuck I want with it.  Most comments just sit down there being comments, but this one I had to feature.  I had to make sure that none of you missed Mike’s gem.  By the way, I’ve fucked so many Mikes that it’s possible that Mike and I have fucked at some point.

Mike
[email protected]
216.80.20.64

Submitted on 2011/10/07 at 8:07 pm

You informed him that Chicago wasn’t very hip or cool? What the fuck do you know about modern trends? You’re a middle aged lawyer who likes to get other people’s dick wet. Just so we’re clear, if it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that you live in Chicago you would be another senior citizen in Cali sitting at home watching Matlock. You get your kicks off on corresponding with lonely people on Craigslist only to ridicule them on your shitty little blog (btw, wordpress? at least remove the footer information so you don’t resemble every other 16 year old girl with an Internet connection) You are in no way qualified to determine what is hip or cool, you should be knitting sweaters and shit of that nature.

 

Mike,

I’m so glad you enjoy reading Random Rim Jobs.  I appreciate your opinion, even if it is not attached to the correct post.  Your comment was meant for “Let’s Not Bother (4)” but you made it on “Photo Lotto 12.”  Cause I’m smart and shit I can still address your concerns.

What I meant by Chicago not being all that hip or cool was that it’s not one of those cities that tries too hard to be hip or cool; it’s no Austin or Williamsburg.  What I meant was that Chicago is an old city with roots, not some young upstart.  What I do know about modern trends is that Chicago is not an up-and-coming city, it is a well-established city.

Yes, it’s true, I am middle aged.  Just yesterday I did the math and realized that I was probably middle aged when I was 29.  I’m sure you’re curious so I’ll tell you.  My mother, who is currently 64, was diagnosed with dementia when she was 58; half of 58 is 29.  I won’t kill myself as soon as I’m diagnosed, but I definitely don’t want to “live” like my mother is now, unable to think coherently.

I’m a tad confused by your “writing.”  When you wrote “other people’s dick wet” what the fuck did you mean?  I am a cisgendered female so all the dicks I get wet belong to other people.  Also, “people” is plural so you should have written “other people’s dicks” if you still wanted to write something so obviously stupid to anyone with half a brain.  (Hint, that’s not you.)

Just so we’re clear?  Did I ask you to clarify?  Did I ask for your opinion at all?  Why the fuck did you feel the need to write?  Are you president of the Chicago Hipster Foundation?  Oh, no, you’re the secretary and the group voted that such a message needed to be sent, right?  I only want to hear from the president.

If it weren’t for the Internet and the fact that I live in Chicago are two very huge caveats.  If it weren’t for the Internet I wouldn’t have had to read your poorly written comment.  If I didn’t live in Chicago I’d live somewhere else.

Don’t you ever call California “Cali” you shit-for-brains asshat.

Which is it?  Am I middle aged, or am I a senior citizen?  Keep in mind that despite my mother’s extreme disability she isn’t even considered a senior citizen yet.  I’ve never watched “Matlock” in my life and have no plans to start.

I do get some amount of satisfaction from corresponding with people, it’s true.  I’m not sure why you have determined that they’re all lonely or from craigslist though; lately most of the people with whom I correspond are fellow users of OkCupid.  If someone is particularly moronic I do relish in pointing that out.  For example, I’m relishing writing this.  I’m really happy that I have a post pretty much written thanks to you.

Yes, I use WordPress.  I never pretended to be computer savvy and I even sometimes call myself a technotard.  But thanks for the constructive criticism; I’ll put my tech guy right on it.

Once again, your writing is unclear and shitty.  Saying I resemble every other 16-year-old girl is saying that I myself am a 16-year-old girl.  Which is it?  Am I middle aged, a senior citizen, or a teenager?  If you’re confused:  I’m 38.

How have you determined that I am in no way qualified to determine hipness or coolness?  Doesn’t everyone, to a degree, get to determine what is hip and cool?  If not, how does one become qualified?  Is there a class?  A certificate of completion?  A degree?  Please tell me how I can qualify.  How can I meet your obviously very high standards?

I know how to knit, but nothing fancy.  I may take a knitting class in the future, and will probably really appreciate it come winter in Chicago.  Right now I’m taking a sewing class, which I’m pretty sure qualifies as shit of the knitting nature.

Thank you, Mike, for being a loyal reader.

Sincerely,

Shazam

I swear.  True story.

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Love

Posted on October 9, 2011 by ShazamChi

Isn’t he the cutest thing ever?  I love, love, love this picture.  Clearly the Viking is fucking adorable.  And my plants are in the background.

The Viking is still fucking adorable, but I no longer have plants.  The moving company couldn’t guarantee our plants would be moved without being killed so they refused to move them at all; I just wish they had bothered to tell me they wouldn’t guarantee anything else so I wouldn’t have transported anything else valuable via other means.  Allied sucks.

One of the many great things about this photo is that it was taken in my old place.  We’ll never go there again – we have a great place in Chicago – but it’s nice to have some photographic evidence of a place I lived in for over seven years.

One of the other many great things about this photo is the couch the Viking is sitting upon – the same sofa on which I now sit because it’s comfortable, green, loved (by me) – is the couch I picked out years ago and the couch I’m still glad I “won” in my divorce.  I got the animals and the couch and divorced from the passive aggressive shit so I win.

Mostly I love this photo because of the Viking’s cute smile, and because I know he loves me.

I swear.  True story.

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