7:29P.M.

Abel called and wanted me to go over there for hanging out and smoking pot.  But then his practice got moved up so he had to cancel.  Another lonely day.  Maybe it’s for the better – we probably would’ve had sex and then who knows about the guilt factor.

Abel just called again.  I guess maybe he might come over after all.  Hmm.  “Things that make you go hmm.”

Last night at 1970 it was a wee bit more fun – I was on acid.  I always think it’s gonna be no big deal and then it gets me.  I’m so amazed at what my brain is capable of.

I got paranoid – but not in a bad way ’cause I know it’s the acid – got to thinking that there were terrorists there who were placing bombs around the

8:36 P.M.

Henry called, had to go, and said he’d call back in five minutes.  Has he called?  Nope, of course not, he never does anything he says he’s going to.  And Abel called to tell me that he’s tired and has no money.  He asked if he could sleep here but I don’t want a snoring, sweating boy next to me all night, so I get none tonight.  Masturbation – yippee.  Of course even if Henry was here, I’d be doing the same thing.

I want someone to fuck my brains out while I’m on acid.  I want really loud music playing with a strong beat.  Last night I was kissing Sean and the music just made me feel with it.  And I got so excited kissing him (more so than usual) that I just wanted to fuck and fuck and fuck.  Of course the night before added to that.

Saturday – Sean called and then came over.  I didn’t even give him a chance to settle in.  He threw his backpack on the floor and by the time he got his jacket off, we had been “making out” for some time.  He gets me very hot.  Well, he did me from behind.  Lordy.  I like it – a lot.  I knew I would but I liked it really a lot.  I like having my face stuffed into the bed and my arms tightened into right angles.  And he reached around with his hand to rub my clit.  I still haven’t come while he’s inside me but either he doesn’t last long enough or I take too long.  I figure eventually we’ll get it right if we keep trying.

I want to call Abel ’cause he’s my only chance at immediate action.  But I don’t have to have any action.  I just want it.  Shit, answering machine came on.  None, I get none.  That’s what I get for getting his with temporary morality.  Morals are for asexual anti-socials.  That’s it – I’m not going to be shy around any boys anymore (Saturday day I got embarrassed when Abel wanted to “get naked.”) ’cause it’s just not worth it.  I just need a little something to loosen me up.  A drink?!  No ’cause eventually I’ll be drinking so much I’ll have to go to the bathroom every two seconds.  I also think that I’m drinking too much any way.  Pot.  But sometimes I get mellow and tired.  Acid.  Half a hit and I’m great.  But my immunity or whatever builds up to that and I can’t get ahold of that too often.  I don’t really like coke and I wouldn’t know where to get it anyway.  Or maybe I should just let myself go.  Be uninhibited.  Like I am with Sean.  He makes me feel so beautiful and desirable and sexy.  If I just [sic] myself into the right state of mind.  Am I sex addicted?  Maybe.  Should I go to a psychologist?  Shit, who cares?  My phone is not ringing.

My tattoo still has not gone down.  I don’t want it to stay like this but I might not have a choice.  Oh shit.  Oh well.

11:13 P.M.

I want someone to sneak acid to me and then watch me and fuck me.  Am I obsessed?  Sex and drugs.  Not so bad.  Too many fantasies, not enough time.

Last night at Laura’s house, I stayed in Deanna’s room and listened to Pink Floyd “Animals” and shut my eyes.  I felt like I was on a journey because the first and last songs sound the same.  I love how the gituir (Fuck, I’m just to [sic] to remember how to spell that one.) sounded like it was singing and crying.

I only had one problem last night – the first “bad” thing that’s happened to me on acid.  I was dancing with Laura when two guys came around us and started dancing real close with us gals in the middle.  I was getting squished and couldn’t move.  They wouldn’t let me go so I panicked.  I went down and started crying on the floor until Laura picked me up and took me away from the people.  Then I went off by myself again.

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