7:58 P.M.

It’s still light out.  Rachel called today and left a message but I didn’t call her back ’cause I just didn’t feel like talking to her.  I would, however, like to talk to Henry – who I haven’t spoken with since Thursday evening.  I think I would like to have sex with him.  Mother said that I don’t know what a real orgasm is – I assured her that I do.  She thinks I only think I know what one is.  Well, she can trust me.  Masturbation helps.  I admit that at first I wasn’t having them but still thought I enjoyed sex.  Now I know that there’s more.  I just don’t want to have to fake it with Henry.  I don’t like being on the rag at all.  If I’m off by Wednesday, we’re going to Planned Parenthood so I can go on the Pill.  Then I’ll be on the rag every 28 days – now that’s yucky.  But I won’t have to worry about any unnecessary problems that on average last about nine months.

Henry said he’s glad I’m not the type of girl who dates a lot.  I don’t think he’s even seen anyone else since he met me and he said he’d feel guilty if he did.  But I’ve had sex with two other people and kissed one.  Should I tell him?  Would it only cause unnecessary problems?  But I’d like to come clean.  I’ll ask him if – if it happens in the future – he’d want to know.

I want things to be consistent.  I don’t want you to be scared of your feelings for me or of me.  I would never intentionally hurt you.  I like you.  I like being with you.  I want us to be more.  I wonder why you haven’t called me and why you were so funny on the phone on Thursday.  (Because Dave was there?)  God, I like you so much.  I think about you all the time and it makes me feel good.  I wonder what you’re afraid of.  I want to know everything about you.  What can I do for you?  Why won’t you let me in?  What has happened to you in the past?  I’m harmless – I swear.  I want so much just to be with you.  Have I done something wrong?  You make me so happy – I just want to do the same for you.

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