Though I’ve not used OkCupid in a while, I’ve not bothered to delete my profile.  I haven’t looked at the site in ages, but I still get emails.  The emails tell me that one of the nine pictured people has given me a four or five star rating, and that if I go to the site and rate some guys, I just might also rate the same guy four or five stars, at which time we’ll be hooked up.

I’ve seen pictures of pictures of people I follow in Twitter.  I’ve seen pictures of very old guys.  I’ve seen pictures of young guys.  I’ve seen pictures that didn’t even have humans in them.  The following are the nine most recent photos I’ve received from OkCupid.

(Left.)  I can see only a portion of one eye of this aged looker.  I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to think about the lame sunglasses, or the shaggy facial hair.  And while I’ve fucked some older guys, I don’t think, based purely on this photo, that I’d fuck this one.  Next!
(Right.)  This guy actually looks kind of cute.  I just wish the photo were better.  Mind you, I’ve not looked at the guy’s profile, and wouldn’t know how to find it just from the picture anyway.
(Left.)  This guy is clearly arty because his photo is black and white.  He is also clearly happy because he is smiling.  And he is also clearly bald because he is, well, bald.  I don’t dislike bald men.  My ex-husband, the Ex, was balding, which I had figured out before we started dating.

He was a customer at the bar where I worked. He looked like Andre Agassi, and, like Andre, had a hairline that was backing away from his face. I still thought he was cute, and ended up dating and marrying the guy, so bald isn’t an issue for me. But bald with a full beard looks funny. He also looks pretty young, which isn’t a deal breaker, but I’ve no interest in someone who could be whiny.
(Right.) Why is this guy angry? And why are his eyes differently sized? Why did he think the photo would make anyone want to date him? He kind of looks like Popeye.
(Left.)  This is the best photo of the bunch.  Hey, guys, try a photo like this.  He looks like a nice guy.  He’s looking at the camera.  He has a nice smile.  The lighting is good.  He looks pleasant.
(Right.)  The only things I can tell about this guy from this rather shitty photo are that he’s not obese and that he really likes water.  He must considering he’s both gazing at a body of it and holding a bottle of it.  Why did he think this would be a good photo?
(Left.)  I suppose this guy thought this photo would make him look fun and carefree.  I think it kind of makes him look like a douche.  He is smiling, but I can’t see his eyes.  I’m not much of an eye person, but I would like to know he’s got ‘em.
(Right.) This guy’s showing his eyes, but what the fuck is he looking at? And this photo is of rather shitty quality. And what the fuck is he wearing, overalls? That makes me think that the photo was taken in 1992, or that he works in some sort of overall-clad trade, like plumbing or a carpentering. I respect the trades because they can do things I can only imagine.
(Left.)  Clearly, I saved the best for last.  Like the first guy, I can only see one of this guy’s eyes.  Other than that, there are so many other things wrong with this photo.  It’s of shitty quality.  He’s not smiling.  But the worst (best?) thing about this photo is the hooded cloak.  Wow!  He’s marked himself as a LARPer, and a humorless one at that; he’s dead serious about his craft.  I’m quite curious to know if this guy has gotten any responses at all based on this photo.  Again, I don’t have access to his profile, but I have to imagine it includes something about World of Warcraft and/or Magic the Gathering.  Who the fuck would want to fuck this guy?!  Hey, I understand that there are geeks out there, and I do think we’re all geeky about some things, but that kind of geek I absolutely cannot get into.

I swear.  True story.

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