4:25 A.M.

Beth called me at something like 2:30 and now I can’t sleep.  So I smoked some pot.  Henry didn’t call me all day.  Whenever he says maybe about something or even just asks I always take it to mean a lot more than it is.  You would think I would learn but not I’m totally stupid.  He usually calls me every day though.  I know the reason I get hopeful – he calls when I think he won’t and at odd times sometimes.  It’s like when he wants to talk to me, he calls me – simple, to the point, easy one (good) dimensional.  I’m just used to the games – the first one to call is the “weak one.”  He’s so simple.  I don’t mean simple-minded though.  For some reason, in my mind I’m thinking that this could  bad by being boring.  But it’s so good.  Girls – including myself – play too many games.  Henry said that girls are so dramatic and make a big deal out of everything.  So I asked him if I do that and he said no.  Though I could have and he was just being nice by saying no so I pushed it and he still said no really I don’t.  Yea.  That was his way of complimenting me.  I had to coerce it out of him.  I think this is how most boys are – you just have to read into what they do say to take it to mean exactly what they don’t say.  I want to by lying on my bed naked with just my butt covered while I’m on my stomach and he comes from behind and runs his hands up my waist and kisses the small of my back.  And then moves slowly up my back to my neck and my mouth.  And I love to kiss his soft gentle mouth.  While his hands are just touching my waist and m y back as I start to pull over to face him and the blanket is still between us and his hands are still around me and his mouth is still on mine.  And I want so much to be close to him to smell him to feel his heat at my chest closer and he is so warm and then I move up above him and put my arms on his shoulders and my knees above his hips and shift over on top of him.  Then I kiss him, kiss him (curse him for not shaving) kiss his neck unbutton his shirt feel his chest through his clothes then kiss it and take the shirt off of him.  Then kiss and nibble his arms and shoulders.  [Thought – what if he has a lot of pimples and hair?  What will I do differently what will I do the same?]  And his mouth is so soft and warm and wet.  It tastes so wonderful like a man, like Henry.  Then I lay down.

It’s five in the fucking morning.  Why didn’t Henry call.  I’m past thinking I did something wrong in our last conversation ’cause if I did something wrong I would’ve done it already before that conversation.  People are going to work – sure is early.  I want to start shaving my thighs again for the season.  Basically so I can touch them myself.  But it would be nice to hear a compliment from someone (Henry) as to how soft they are.  Oh well.  I can just remember the way his hands felt – he would be gentle and then press harder (I think).  We were talking about sexiness in guys and what makes that way and I almost told him that the way he moved and acted – so cool – made him sexy but I didn’t cause I didn’t want to embarrass myself.  Fuck – it’s getting light I have to get up soon.  Nightie night.

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