Random Rim Jobs

[Continued from "Geminis, Y'All (Part 2)."]

Yes, the Gemini-fest continues.  Just think about how hot – or tepid – these folk are.

Hot:

• Kennedy, John F. (May 29):  My mother remembered where she was when she heard JFK had been shot.  I remember where I was when I heard Princess Diana had died.
• Kevorkian, Jack (May 28):  Yep, I do think people should be able to off themselves with help when they choose to do so.  I’m glad Dr. K thinks so, too.
• Keynes, John Maynard (June 5):  Anyone who’s ever taken any sort of economics class has heard of this guy.
• Kinnear, Greg (June 17):  He’s pretty funny.
• Klum, Heidi (June 1):  I don’t think she’s nearly as hot as many do, but she’s hilarious when she tells people they’re “Out!”
• LaBeouf, Shia (June 11):  He’s all young and cute.  No, I don’t have any interest in seeing any Transformers movies but Guide to Recognizing Your Saints was good.
• Laurie, Hugh (June 11):  “House M.D.” is just damn good.  I’m one of the many who loves yet hates Gregory House.
• Lee, Peggy (May 26):  She had “Fever.”
• Lima, Adriana (June 12):  She can’t act, but she sure is pretty.
• Lynde, Paul (June 13):  I loved him on tv shows when I was a kid.  My favorite was the voice of Templeton on Charlotte’s Web.
• Manilow, Barry (June 17):  I liked his stuff when I was a kid.  And I recently fucked a guy who claimed BM was his godfather.
• Martin, Dean (June 7):  He was good looking, had a great voice, and a drinker.  What’s not to love?
• Mathers, Jerry (June 2):  I don’t know why, but I loved “Leave It to Beaver” when I was a kid.
• McGinley, Ted (May 30):  I used to think he was cute.  I like how he’s put on tv shows before they fail.
• McKellen, Ian (May 25):  I dig a distinguished gay gentleman.
• Milk, Harvey (May 22):  I live in San Francisco.  I have to like Harvey Milk.  And people should be out of they want.
• Miller, Christa (May 28):  I liked her on “The Drew Carey Show” and her bitchy turn on “Scrubs” was funny.
• Miller, Wentworth (June 2):  HOT!
• Monroe, Marilyn (June 1):  She was lucky enough to die when she was 36.
• Murphy, Cillian (May 25):  I’m not one for eyes, but his are downright dreamy.  And his accent ….

Tepid:

• Kaczynski, Ted (May 22):  Yep, he’s a nut job.  He was also a graduate student at my alma mater.
• Kidman, Nicole (June 20):  I really hate Moulin Rouge! and she’s just one of the reasons why.
• Kings Charles II (May 29), George III (June 4), and James I (June 19):  Not much for royalty, British or otherwise.
• Kissinger, Henry (May 27):  I used to be more into politics.  No longer.  I’m lame.
• Kournikova, Anna (June 7):  The only reason I’ve even heard of her is because she’s hot.
• Lombardi, Vince (June 11):  Sports, right?
• Lopes, Lisa (May 27):  She was nutty-boos.
• Margulies, Julianna (June 8):  Yay, she acts.  So what?  I think she always looks kind of sad.
• McCartney, Paul (June 18):  I don’t like Paul and I don’t like the Beatles.  There, I said it.
• Minogue, Kylie (May 28):  I can get her out of my head.
• Montana, Joe (June 11):  I liked him on “The Brady Bunch.”  I think he also played football here in San Francisco.
• Morissette, Alanis (June 1):  I don’t like her music.  I hate “You Oughta Know” more than most things.  She can be funny when she acts.
• Moussaoui, Zacarias (May 30):  Not so good to be associated with this guy.  He even shares my birthday.  Oops.
• Myers, Mike (May 25):  He’s not funny.  Except in So I Married an Axe Murderer.

There’s more to come, of course.  Gotta get through the whole alphabet.

I swear.  True story.

4:38 PM

I talked to him today.  We didn’t talk yesterday ’cause I worked late then went to the Brewer residence to tell them my story.  Then

6:16 PM

Oh Henry.  He’s at Duchess de Sade practice.  He’ll be doing that Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights.  Oh well.  Henry’s so cute.  We didn’t talk about what “happened” on Monday night but then I didn’t expect to.  He wouldn’t bring it up especially since he doesn’t really like to talk about those sorts of personal things.  But next time we see each other, I’m going to do something , I hope.  Shit, I might be too shy.  And he’s not the type to move first – like touch or hold hands if we’re not – I would have to move to do that.  Like I did in the car on the way home.  And like I had to do with Erica unless she wanted to have sex.  Why?  How?  Do I always have to do everything?  Because I’m into torture.  I should go to the store to buy some food.  I have none at all.  And I’m kind of hungry.

This looks just lovely.  Those are lovely breasts that gravity hasn’t had much of a chance to mistreat.  Not that gravity is a cruel bitch or anything.  But she is.  Always pulling.  Keeping our feet on the ground.  And dragging down our soft bits.

This lovely lady, however, has only had the benefits of gravity so far in her life.  Good for her.  I hope she realizes what she has now, before it’s gone.  Or at least closer to the ground.

All those women who say they posed new when their bodies were looking their best?  Yeah, I get it.  I certainly have never had a nude posing-worthy body, but I wish I knew what I had when I had it.  When I was a size 7 I thought I was fat.  Silly me.  I always thought I was fat, probably because I thought I looked like my mother, who was fat, and because I didn’t look like my sister or my step-sister, who were both very skinny.

While I wish I knew what I had when I had it, I’m glad I have what I have now, even if it’s not perfect.  Not even close to perfect.  I have a funky toenail and flat feet; I miss shaving a few hairs near each ankle bone most of the time; I have a biopsy scar on one calf and a 1990s “tribal” tattoo on the other; I have shitty knees that hurt more when I’m going downhill than up; my thighs are … not slim, but they are strong; I have more body hair than I’d like; my stomach isn’t flat; my hips aren’t small; my breasts aren’t as perky as I’d like; my arms are not well defined; I have a big nose; I have acne; my hair is almost too thick (yes, I know this is one of those complaints for which some will hate me); I require corrective lenses; I grind my teeth.  Not even close to perfect.  But I’m me.

So I’m looking forward to my 37th year.  Happy birthday to me.

I swear.  True story.

There are more interesting Geminis than I thought when I began this (not so) little project.  Continued from “Geminis, Y’All (Part 1).”

Cool as shit:

• Escher, M.C. (June 17):  His stuff is just fun to look at.
• Farrell, Colin (May 31):   Sure he’s cute, but I really liked In Bruges.
• Franken, Al (May 21):  Smart and funny, but still not hot.
• Freeman, Morgan (June 1):  In a lot of really good movies.  Pretty creeped out by the relationship he had with his step-granddaughter though.
• Garland, Judy (June 10):  It’s really cool that she did so many pharmaceuticals.
• Giamatti, Paul (June 6):  Funny-looking dude but a damn good actor.  Same birthday as DJ.
• Ginsberg, Allen (June 3):  Howl is just damn cool.
• Goodman, John (June 20):  Who doesn’t love John Goodman?  No one, that’s who.
• Gray, Spalding (June 5):  He has a cool name, and I suppose he was pretty funny before he offed himself.
• Grier, Pam (May 26):  There is no doubt Pam Grier is cool.  From Coffy to “The L Word” and everything in between, just damn cool.
• Griffith, Andy (June 1):  I still watch “The Andy Griffith Show” every once in a while.
• Hawks, Howard (May 30):  He directed some very good movies, such as His Girl Friday and The Big Sleep.
• Hinckley, John Jr. (May 29):  Hey, I’d want to impress Jodi Foster, too.  And I recall my mother being happy about the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan. I was just a kid, forgive me.
• Hope, Bob (May 29):  I liked his goofy slapstick movies when I was a kid.  No, I did not see them in the theaters.  I was home alone with cable a lot when I was a kid.
• Hurley, Elizabeth (June 10):  She’s all saucy and British and shit.
• Jewel (May 23):  I think that snaggle tooth is sexy.
• Jolie, Angelina (June 4):  I liked her first husband, Jonny Lee Miller, in Trainspotting.
• Jones, Tom (June 7):  I “fell in love” with Tom Jones when I was in Thailand.  The Thai Tom Jones is hot.  And the real Tom Jones is a drinker.

Luke warm shit:

• Etheridge, Melissa (May 29):  Yeah, it’s cool that she’s an out lesbian, but her music does nothing for me.
• Fleming, Ian (May 28):  James Bond’s creator.  Whatever.
• Flynn, Errol (June 20):  I’ve never seen any of his movies, but I suppose he was good looking.
• Fox, Michael J. (June 9):  Never thought he was even a little cute.
• Frank, Anne (June 12):  Maybe if I’d ever read her diary, which I’m sure she wanted kept private, I’d feel differently.  But I didn’t, so I don’t.
• Gehrig, Lou (June 19):  I guess he played baseball.  Sorry about that disease, dude.
• Gingrich, Newt (June 17):  Yuck.
• Giuliani, Rudy (May 28):  He has some messed up hair.
• Goodman, Benny (May 30):  Not to into swing thing.  At least musically.
• Graf, Steffi (June 14):  I don’t really care about tennis, but it is interesting that Andre Agassi has married two Geminis, Steffi and Brooke Shields (May 31).
• Guevara, Che (June 14):  I’m certainly not about to wear an item of clothing with his face on it, but Gael García Bernal played him in The Motorcycle Diaries, which means he’s hot by association.
• Hammett, Dashiell (May 27):  He wrote detective novels and shit.
• Hardy, Thomas (June 2):  I really should read some of my fellow Geminis’ stuff.  I’m in good company, I guess.
• Heche, Anne (May 25):  Bisexual and whacked out on drugs.  Hmmm.  Oh, she has a kid.  Yuck.  That’s why she’s here and not above.
• Humphrey, Hubert H. (May 27):  Yeah, he was President, but he wasn’t all that.
• Hunt, Helen (June 15):  She has a huge forehead.
• Ice Cube (June 15):  I love Friday but his stupid-ass “family” movies scream, “Paycheck!” in a bad way.  I understand calming down in ones old age, but he is ridiculous.
• Iverson, Allen (June 7):  Basketball?
• Jennings, Waylon (June 15):  I’m not too into country music, but I have a good friend who is.
• Jindal, Bobby (June 10):  Creepy governor of Louisiana.
• Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh (May 27):  She’s just a kid, so I shouldn’t think badly, but the poor thing has the first name of a dog.

[To be continued ….]

I swear.  True story.

[Continued from "First Date (Part 5)" from guest writer Dick Cramden.]

Enough of the torture.  Of you and of me.  It was time.  I changed my tempo slightly and soon you were coming, bucking hard against my hands and face.  Your head twisted from side to side.  Your feet slid off my arms as your legs stiffened, and I could see you pulling at the scarves that fastened you to the bed.

With a slow steady pace of my tongue, I tried to extend your orgasm as long as I could, without allowing your clit to be overcome with sensitivity.

My fingers left you.  My lips left you.  My tongue left you.  And you writhed just a little, catching your breath.

You felt me leave.  For a moment.  A long moment.

When I returned you could feel me over you.

“I want you inside me,” you said.

“Ask nicely,” I said.

“Please, I want you inside me.”

My cock slid all the way in one quick stroke, deep into your pussy.  You gasped, and I kissed you.  Our bodies slid around, slick from the massage oil, only adding to the pleasure.  Try as I might to keep a slow pace, to enjoy the sensation of entering and leaving your pussy with every nerve ending on my cock, I could not.  Instead of the tender slow love making I had fantasized for that night, we were fucking each other with wild abandon.

Suddenly I stopped.

I moved around the bed.

You were panting a little.  Your mouth was open.  And inviting.  I put my cock there and you took it in.  You sucked on my hard cock as I untied the scarves from the bed frame. Free from the restraints, you rolled to one side, took the shaft of my cock in one hand and stroked it as your mouth moved down and up on me.  It was my turn to with pleasure.  I asked you how you liked your taste on my cock, but you didn’t stop to answer. Your other hand gently grabbed my balls and gave them a squeeze.

I pushed myself away from you, and moved behind you.

I lifted you up onto your knees, and pushed your body forward.  With my finger I found your clit again and pleasured it a bit more.

You stretched out your arms and lower body until your breasts and head were flat on the bed and your arms dangling off the edge.  Your ass was raised in the air.  I pushed your legs close together, and then I slid into you.  I held your ass and pumped into you as you moaned with pleasure.

I reached down and grabbed your shoulders to pull you up.  I slid out of you and spread your legs, wide.

You were erect in posture, except for your bent knees.  I slid my knees beneath you and entered you, and you leaned back against me. I pulled off the scarf that was blindfolding you, and you suddenly saw that we were facing a the mirrored double doors of the hotel room’s closet.  You could watch as my cock slid in and out of you.

“I love pleasing you,” I whispered into your ear.

My hands reached around you and grab onto your tits.  In order to keep my balance, I thrust up harder into you.

I could see your eyes roll back in pleasure.

“I am going to come,” I said.

You slid off me, and stroked me from between your legs, and I came.  I came a lot.  And we collapsed into each others’ arms and fell onto the bed, heads on the pillows.  We were still, at least for the moment.

[That's it!  Pretty hot, eh?]

We are currently in Gemini, the third sign of the Western Zodiac.  It runs roughly between May 21 and June 20.  Geminis are pretty cool people.  In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that I am a Gemini, which makes me pretty biased.  Not only am I a Gemini, but I get along very well with Geminis.  Some I get along with so well I fuck them.  I can think of only one Gemini with whom I did not get along, and I think that was more due to him having trouble with smart women with opinions of their own than our mutual sign.

Of course there are many famous Geminis.  Some are cool.  Some are not.  Some are meh.

Geminis who make me feel proud to share a sign with them:

• Auberjonois, René (June 1):  Actor on “Benson.”  Need I say more?
• Aung San Suu Kyi (June 19):  Burmese civil rights leader.
• Baker, Josephine (June 3):  Entertainer and renouncer of American citizenship.
• Barbeau, Adrienne (June 11):  Actress and owner of bodacious boobage.
• Barris, Chuck (June 3):  Game show guy and unconfirmed secret spy.  Subject and co-writer of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind starring hottie Sam Rockwell.
• Bening, Annette (May 29):  Actress in a damn good movie, American Beauty.
• Biafra, Jello (June 17):  Lead “singer” of the Dead Kennedys, San Francisco punk band.
• Blanc, Mel (May 30):  Who doesn’t love the Looney Tunes?  Oh, and MB was born in San Francisco and shares my birthday.
• Burghoff, Gary (May 24):  Radar from “M*A*S*H*.”  Uh, Radar from “M*A*S*H*”!
• Carey, Drew (May 23):  He’s pretty funny, though I’ve not seen him in “action” on “The New Price is Right.”
• Cera, Michael (June 7):  Nerdy actor.  Anyone associated with “Arrested Development” is more than ok by me.  Very much looking forward to the movie.
• Chabon, Michael (May 24):  Author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, a Pulitzer Prize-winning book.  I’ve read it, and it’s good.  I read it back when I belonged to a book club.  The book club went from us reading and discussing books to us not reading and drinking wine.  I need to join another book club.
• Church, Thomas Hayden (June 17):  Actor in “Ned and Stacy” and Sideways.
• Collins, Joan (May 23):  Her character on “Dynasty” has inspired me to keep my former husband’s last name.  While I’m never getting married again, I love the idea of having a string of last names from all of my spouses.
• Dahmer, Jeffrey (May 21):  What?  He was a really good serial killer.  He was really into men.
• Depp, Johnny (June 9):  He’s hot and all, but his continued work with Tim Burton really makes me want to hurl.  I hate Tim Burton and all his stupid movies.  Yes, all of them.
• Eastwood, Clint (May 31):  Clint is just damn cool.  However, I’m not too into the movies he’s been directing lately, and he was a real asshole to Sondra Locke (May 28) back in the day.  I know this due to a court decision I read in law school.  Sondra is also a Gemini.  I told you Geminis dig each other.  A lot.
• Ebert, Roger (June 18):  While I don’t always agree with his reviews, he’s still the living film critic.
• Edelstein, Lisa (May 21):  Inappropriately dressed hottie from “House M.D.” and object of lust of James Deen, whom I may dig even though I’ve never seen him in porn action.

Geminis.  I’m kind of neutral about these ones.

• Abdul, Paula (June 19):  It’s kind of cool that she’s always blitzed out of her mind.
• Atkins, Chet (June 20):  He’s some sort of athlete, right?  Nope, a musician.
• Bakley, Bonny Lee (June 7):  “Famous” for being murdered by someone famous.
• Bellow, Saul (June 10):  I guess he was an important writer.
• Bleeth, Yasmine (June 14): I guess she used to be hot.
• Boone, Pat (June 1):  Singer, right?
• Bush, Barbara (June 8):  Her dog wrote a book.
• Bush, George Herbert Walker (June 12):  Not as stupid as his son.
• Campbell, Naomi (May 22):  She’s a model.  With a violent streak.  Which is kind of cool.
• Carver, Raymond (May 25):  Writer.
• Cassatt, Mary (May 22):  Painter.  I’m not particularly fond of her stuff, but I guess I’m supposed to like it.
• Cousteau, Jacques-Yves (June 11):  Who doesn’t love the ocean?
• Christo (June 13):  “Artist.”
• Clooney, Rosemary (May 23):  George Clooney’s aunt.  I met George Clooney once.  Back before “ER” but after “Facts of Life.”  I’m not sure where “Roseanne” fits in there.  It was the early 90s.
• Cox, Courteney (June 15):  Whatever.  She’s kind of annoying.
• Cox, Nikki (June 2):   Seems to really like funny and funny-ish guys.
• Curtis, Tony (June 3):  He was hot when he was younger.
• Davis, Miles (May 26):   Everyone says he’s cool, but I really don’t like jazz.
• Doyle, Arthur Conan (May 22):  He was knighted.  I never really got into Sherlock Holmes, but the latest movie was homoerotic, which I find very cool.
• Dylan, Bob (May 24):  I know I’m supposed to like him, but I really don’t.  I’m even fucking a guy who’s photographed him, but I still can’t get into ol’ Bob.
• Edwards, John (June 10 or 20, depending on the source):  Politician.  “Cheater.”  I put “cheater” in quotes because his wife may have agreed.  Why can’t more people be open about not being monogamous?
• Emerson, Ralph Waldo (May 25):  Poet and shit.  I know I’m supposed to know and care about this guy, but I really don’t.

To be continued.

I swear.  True story.

12:21 AM

It actually happened.  We kissed.  Oh my.  I can hardly believe it.  He’s so fucking hot.  Lordy.  I had some pot and a Long Island iced tea that Henry got for me.  I drank it very fast.  Anyway we started holding hands when the band started and I had my hands all over him.  He’s so hot.  He’s so fucking sexy.  Now I wonder if he really wants to kiss me.  Shit I’m losing my train of thought.  I called Beth to tell her and I woke up her mother.  I feel so bad but I had to tell someone.  She said she was going to go to school yelling something like “it happened.”  If he didn’t want to do something, he’d stop.  Oh god, what if he had beer goggles on?  But he didn’t drink as fast as me so that means while I was drunk making a fool of myself he was sober.  Oh well.  He’s so cute and hot and sexy.  Oh lordy.  The way he touched me.  Shit, he could do that any time he wanted.  It’s a good thing that he didn’t want to come in ’cause I would have done a lot more than I had ideally planned for this point.  He’s so hot.  He has pecks.  And he is kind of hairy but I was thinking that he’s a guy and guys are hairy and if I don’t like the hair then there’s always girls.  He’s such a nice kisser.  I’m still amazed.