Random Rim Jobs

This was brought to my attention by someone who didn’t like it.  I do.

So on this, the last day of 2009, I reflect.  Overall 2009 has been a good year – certainly better than the two years prior.  Just when I thought 2007 couldn’t be topped by the sheer shit factor, 2008 did it.  2009, on the other hand, has been good.  I’m pretty sure I’m no longer depressed, though one never knows if one is depressed or not until something changes.  I’m definitely better than I was.

What helped?  Walking my dog and fucking, not necessarily in that order.  What else helped?  Yeah, writing, and Twitter.  Mostly Twitter.

I know it sounds corny, but the people I’ve met through Random Rim Jobs and Twitter have reminded me that not everyone is a shallow, flaky asshole.  I’ve met some really great people via Twitter, including all the folks at Carnal Nation, each of whom is super-cool and ultra-interesting.  I’ve met quite a few sex partners, too, which is always good.  I’ve also met people who are truly generous and kind.  Some of these categories of people overlap, by the way.

Looking ahead, I wonder which most people will say, “Two-thousand-ten” or “twenty-ten.” I will certainly be annoyed if anyone says, “Two-thousand-and-ten” since that, nominally, would be 2000.10, not 2010.

And my resolutions?  Well, I’m going to get rid of old magazines that are sitting around the house.  I’m going to have more sex.  I would love to find someone who can properly sexually dominate me.  I’d love to be tied up, shibari-style.  I try not to make my resolutions too unattainable so I don’t disappoint myself.  In 1996 my resolution was to see a new movie every week.  I did it.  That was a good year for movies; that year both Swingers and Trainspotting came out.

I must get me one of those legit jobs in 2010.  It would be great to once again live alone with my animals.

In 2010 I don’t want to move, get into a monogamous relationship, or get any fatter.

I swear.  True story.

I’m very stoned and I can’t see the lines cause I only have the red light on.  I had to set the proper mood.  Thought what if Henry doesn’t like sex and he was only talking the way he was so he didn’t sound abnormal.  I still haven’t taken a shower cause I didn’t want to call Henry too late.  He said his first was his girlfriend who wanted to more than he did – she had raging hormones.  Just had a thought – Henry’s already been through his prime unless its 18-22 anyway, I wonder if he was a slut.  No not him.  Even now that I know he’s not so innocent I still couldn’t see him as a slut.

Had a dream last night that Maury came over only he had long, light brown, wavy, feathered, parted in the middle hair.  He started kissing me and I kept telling him to stop.  He told me to try to but I couldn’t cause I was too damn stoned.  So he asked me if I was drunk and I had to tell him I was so high I couldn’t move.  I don’t remember the rest but I just hope we didn’t do what wold have come next naturally.  I don’t want that to be in my subconscious even thought I have thought about it before.  But the one time he made an obvious advance towards me, I refused him.  Thank god.  He may be good as Beth says but I don’t want any v.d.s or AIDS.  No thank you not this time.  I don’t want to be sick all the time.  Why does DJ always write such neat stuff when she’s stoned I just write crap go on about my life I write like my mom I suppose cause I’ve seen some of her journal stuff Just prose crap about what’s going on in her life.  But DJ writes neat stuff it’s not fair my writing looks like a cross between my two parents I guess it makes sense.  But why can’t I be skinny like my dad’s side of the family at least they don’t get fat the same way the [Smith's] do.  This must be a crappy pen cause otherwise it wouldn’t make glop marks the blue on does too they must not test them like Fran used to have to do at a pen factory wow that’s neat.  Talked to my father today had to get the bran muffin recipe sos I can make some now that I have the bran cereal that I’ll neer eat any other way.  In milk yuck.  My hand hurts and I feel like eating but I shouldn’t.  I buried lots and lots of calories tonight – about 460 that’s very good I think I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do I didn’t lift at all today cause it was busy and also cause I forgot my towel so I couldn’t wipe any sweat off the equipment when I was done and I think it’s gross when other people do it Do Unto Others.  All this exercise must be doing some good.  Muscle takes more calories to maintain than fat neat huh?  I want a tight butt – but most of all smooth thighs so I don’t have to be embarrassed to wear a bathing suit.  I’m going to get a a J. Crew suit and design it myself – a two-piecer.  Wow.  My legs are already sore so they’re going to be really bad tomorrow.  I should be stretching more so I don’t get all tight.  Why isn’t it good to have tight muscles oh well, I just shouldn’t.  I dropped a lot of hints and he must know but he was “stupid” (according to DJ) so maybe he doesn’t.  But he said he’d rather people be blunt and just come out and said stuff.  But I just couldn’t what if he doesn’t feel the same way I’d feel like such a total geek.  But he must – Beth has me convinced sort of

I got the idea to take this test from @SonyaLynn whom I met through Bawdy Storytelling a few months back.  By the way, on January 3, 2010, there will be a cocktail party where you can meet me and others like me at the Unicorn Cocktail Party.  Come meet me and the other unicorns, bring booze (it’s a byob event) that I like – vodka and soda, by the way – and buy raffle tickets to increase your chances of actually getting a date with me and/or the other unicorns.

I want to just tell him how much I like him. But what if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if? Hey, what do I have to lose? Beth says I should just have some actions – actions speak louder than words. I should invite him over and then after we’ve been looking at each other for some time – eye contact and all that – then we just naturally kiss.

I’m pretty sure it’s rude to ask someone his name after we fucked if it’s also after we went to drinks, dinner, and more drinks, during all of which we had some really great conversations.

I remember everything else.  Good looking guy, lots of interesting talk about food, very good kisser, likes ass fucking, and a nice thick uncircumcised cock.  Names really aren’t as important as all that.

An interview with me came out today.

[I have yet another submission from a reader of Random Rim Jobs.  Very nice.  Thank you.  I love reading and posting dirty stories from y'all.  Submissions gladly taken at [email protected].]

My first circle jerk was with this girl named Karen I knew from mutual friends. She had just turned 18 and was ripe and ready (as they say). She had blonde hair and blue eyes, which is usually not my type, but she was hot. As far as I could tell before I saw her naked, she had perfect tits. She also had a great ass and legs. I wanted to fuck her so bad that night.

It started as a joke between my friend Mike and me. We asked Karen if she’d come back to my place and we’d have a circle jerk with her. She was naïve and asked us what that meant. We explained that basically we wanted to get a group of guys and jerk off looking at her as she took off her clothes and posed for us. She agreed. I was surprised and wasn’t sure if she’d actually follow through with it but we got her back to my house with three other guys, Bill, Jason, and my roommate John. So now there were five guys and Karen arriving at my apartment.

Karen was a little shy at first but warmed up to us pretty fast. She was wearing a white dress and tan pantyhose and heels. I have a thing for pantyhose so I was already rock hard for her. I sat on my couch in between Mike and John. Bill and Jason were on the other side of the room in chairs. I was the first to unzip my pants and pull my cock out. I was already pre-cumming. One by one the rest of the guys pulled out their cocks and when it got to Jason we all noticed how huge his dick was. It must have been 13” or more. I thought I was big with my mere 9” cock. Everyone else seemed to have smaller cocks but we didn’t look at each others’ cocks for long. There was someone much prettier and sexier lying on the floor in front of us.

“Move around a little,” I told Karen.

She lay there kind of limp but it still turned me on. She was still fully clothed and I loved looking at her. I continued to stroke my cock slowly. I wanted to enjoy the event for as long as I could.

“Lift up your dress a little bit, hon. Let me see those sexy legs,” I told her.

“Do you like my body?” she asked.

We all kind of nodded and continued our business. It was my first time doing anything like this and I was really getting into it.

“Run your hands up and down your legs, Karen,” I said.

She did.

“Can I take my dress off now?” she finally asked.

“Yes. Take it off.” Someone else answered. I can’t remember who it was.

She stood up and lifted her dress up over her pantyhose-covered legs with her back to us revealing her ass covered in nylon. Then up her back and over her shoulders and off it came. She turned around and was wearing a white bra enclosing her size c tits. Amazing.

I wanted to fuck her. I wanted her to suck my dick. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to touch her. For some reason jerking off looking at her was more of a turn on for me at the moment. So, I kept on jerking off.

“Bend over. Let me see that nice ass of yours.” I said.

She did. She wasn’t real sure of what to do but she took orders well. She posed for while in her pantyhose and bra and eventually took them off when I told her to do so. Then there she was. Completely exposed. She looked fantastic. She showed us her super pink pussy with blond pubes surrounding it. I remember thinking to myself, “She’s a natural blonde.”

“Do you like this? Are you getting turned on?” I asked.

“Yes. I’m wet down there.” She pointed to her pretty little pussy.

By this time I was jerking my cock off so fast and almost ready to cum.

“Want me to cum for you?” I asked.

She smiled and nodded a yes.

I grabbed her pantyhose off of the floor and wrapped then around my cock and stroked it for all it was worth. I shot my cum in her pantyhose within seconds.

“I’m cumming!” I yelled.

I did.

In short order everyone else followed, cumming in their hands. For some reason no one came on Karen. I guess it was a polite circle jerk. I wiped myself clean on her pantyhose. Everyone else found tissues except for Mike. He was the smart ass of the group. He grabbed Jason’s boxer shorts and wiped his cum on them. We all laughed. Jason didn’t seem to care at this point. I think Mike did it because he was jealous of Jason’s huge cock.

It was a little uncomfortable as we all cleaned up and zipped up and Karen got dressed. She put the pantyhose on with my cum on them and didn’t mind it. I figured she liked it. Everyone left soon after it was done because we didn’t know what to say or talk about after our first circle jerk. John, my roommate, went into is bedroom and it was just me and Karen left.

She told me she enjoyed what we did. She had a good time. I told her it was one of the biggest turn-ons for me. I also told her how cool I thought she was for participating in such an unusual event.

I invited her to sleep over and she didn’t have to be anywhere and said yes. We curled up next to each other in my bed and started kissing her neck.

“Are you coming on to me?” she asked.

“Yes. Do have a problem with that?”

“No I like it. I just wanted to make sure.”

She was so innocent and I may have corrupted her. I figured I might as well take it all of the way now. I did. We did, but that’s another story.

My roommates were out of town; I had the place to myself. It was glorious. I got up early because could make as much noise as I wanted. So I did.

Eventually I walked Isis to my friend’s house. We hung out for a bit and exchanged food; I gave her potato leek soup and she gave me butternut squash lasagna and chocolate.

Then back home for a shower, as I had a date. Charles came to pick me up and then we went to the grocery store for dinner supplies. To his place where we prepared food and talked. He gave me the best Christmas card I got this year, or any other year: His face in a mask next to a bound woman’s bare breasts. Nice.

We chatted about this and that. Charles and I get along well and generally have a lovely time together. He showed me the completed manuscript of his biography. We were going through chapter by chapter when I had to interrupt him.

I really wanted to suck cock and his was the only one around. We retired to the living room where he indulged me in my need to have cock in my mouth and come in my belly.

We then ate a dinner of steak, scalloped potatoes, and green salad. Just after dinner my friend arrived.

I told Charles I had a very hot, very sexy lady friend who was a lot of fun. He immediately suggested we have a threesome. As all threesomes need to have proper chemistry I said they should meet that day, and then we’d see about the threesome thing.

She arrived, and I was definitely all horned up. I met her on the stairs so I could grab her and kiss her before I had to share her with Charles. I think she dug my amorous mood.

Once inside we got on the futon that was in lounge chair-position rather than a flat bed or a couch. It provided some very lovely angles for getting at both pussy and cock.  Charles watched us, which I saw out of the corner of my eye when my face was buried in her very tasty pussy.  Really, I want to suck on those pussy lips all the time.

Then I wanted to watch her get fucked.  There’s something so nice about watching someone enjoy a good cock pounding, and being close to her face when his cock was in her pussy felt like a special privilege.  She looked lovely being fucked.  But I no longer wanted to share her.  I still had my apartment to myself and I wanted to use the time wisely, fucking a hot chick.

She and I took our leave, but not before Charles gave us both manila envelopes.  Yay!  Charles is very generous and always gives me a present when I visit him.

Because we had been drinking she decided to leave her car at Charles’s house and walk to my place.  We were a couple of drunk horny girls who’d just had a very hot threesome swinging our manila envelopes on the walk from Bernal Heights to the Mission.  I told her that we shouldn’t look in our envelopes yet for fear that in our drunken state we might drop the contents or in some other way damage them.  I knew what was inside would be very nice.

We arrived at my place and took Isis out.  Then we took the Magic Wand and some other toys up to the bedroom and did a whole lot of fucking.  And pussy licking.  And fisting.  She’s left handed.  I like the way her engagement ring feels in my pussy; just the right amount of hurt.

The next day we hung out and watched some tv.  I made her yummy breakfast.  And then we fucked some more.  Her pussy really should be in my mouth all the time.  Actually, her pussy should be on my face all the time.  I love rubbing my face in her pussy and getting her pussy juice all over my face.

We opened our manila envelopes.  We each got photos of Rod Stewart back when he was hot.  This is a photo of my photo.  Isn’t it the coolest?  Her photo is a close up of Rod’s face.

I walked her back to her car and kissed her goodbye.

This year on Christmas I saw four people I wanted to see and none I didn’t want to see.  I had hot sex with two of the people I saw.  I didn’t see any of my family members.  I wasn’t forced into any awkward social situations.  I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do.  One of the best Christmases ever.

I swear.  True story.