12:41 am

Well, she admitted it almost straight away.  She says she’ll probably never see her again and she felt special because she wanted to spend the night with her and no one else.  She gave her her leather and is going to pay her rent.  She’s just all well you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do so just give me my chain back tomorrow and that’ll be it.  She sounds like she doesn’t even care.  She can only think of Juree.  Why can’t I ever be that special?  She’s so tired because she hasn’t gotten any sleep, aw, too bad.  She keeps saying she does love me but I don’t know.  She said she’s been through all this before, trying to convince her girlfriend that she’d never do it again blah, blah, blah.  Well it didn’t work w/Juree so she’s not going to try w/me.  Well, newsflash, I’m NOT Juree.  She can be so confident because she knows I could never do anything to hurt her.  I want to make her hurt as much as I am but there’s no way I can.  “‘Vengeance be mine,” sayeth the Lord.”  “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  Quotes–the first from Erica, the second from me.  She said so you’re mad at me because I had sex w/my ex-girlfriend?  But she didn’t just have sex.  She did something so beautiful that nothing could even compare.  Erica is still in love with Juree and always will be.  I will forever be insignificant in comparison.  I can say she’s a cheat and she has no moral fibers but I can never say she was dishonest with me, I can give her that much.  All I wanted was the truth and I got it.  Even if we do every have sex again it won’t be as good and I can just forget about ever being able to do anything right.  She also said that she felt bad afterwords.  Yeah, right.  And that it “just happened.”  Since when do things like sex “just happen”?  Dropped dishes just happen, forgotten phone messages just happen but sexual intercourse doesn’t just happen.  I can’t even write anymore.  I told her I feel like I’ve done something wrong.  I feel like haven’t done enough.  Juree told Amy that she and Erica didn’t do anything because she didn’t want Amy to beat up on Erica.  Why does this shit have to happen to me?  Maybe Erica deserves it.  I’d like to beat up on Erica.  Is Amy so dense that she believes that shit?  She’s just as dumb as Juree was when Amy and Erica were fucking.  She doesn’t care about me, she only cares about sex and Juree.  Then when I said I wasn’t Juree because I have a brain she said I didn’t have to cut on Juree.  “Oooh, so sorry,” I said.  “Didn’t mean to get you at your heart.”  She has said herself that Juree isn’t very smart.  It’s O.K. for her though ’cause she loves her and knows you don’t have to be smart to be extraordinary in bed because supposedly Juree is.  I’m quite bitter right now but I feel I have every right to be.  And she’s not even trying, she doesn’t care about me.  She probably would rather that I get the fuck out of her life.  I want to get away from here, quick.  I don’t want to see her again.  She said it was probably the last time she’s see her so she had to have sex with her.  So it’s as if that last time was always waiting to happen because the time before that was before Christmas (I think).  That probably made it all the better that they got to go back to doing it the way and with the person they had done it every day for over three months.  I read an old entry that said Juree was out of the picture, boy am I fucked in the head.  Now she says I’m going to keep throwing stuff in her face and not let her forget it.  She expects me to do nothing?  There’s no way I can hurt her so why not a few sly remarks now and then?  It must have been really wonderful for them.  Nothing can ever be that good for me.  She wanted to show Juree that she had changed, that she didn’t cheat anymore but then she cheated with her so she hasn’t changed much.  Why can’t I ever be that special?  Is my timing off?  Should I have come around before school got out last year?  There’s no way I could have known.  I really do think I’m numb because I can’t cry, I can’t get real angry, I can’t do anything.  I still love her and I don’t know why.  I love her so much that it hurts.  She says she felt guilty but if she felt bad enough she wouldn’t have done it.  But no, it was Juree, she’ll always be better than me.  If Erica and I have a rock-solid relationship for the next year and Juree comes back for a visit, Erica will fall in love all over again.  She said we didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway because of mistrust and insecurities.  She said she could tell me she loves me 10,000 times a day and I still wouldn’t believe her.  I do believe she loves me, it’s just that I want her to love me to most, which she can’t do as long as Juree’s still alive.  But if she was dead, she would be in love with her ghost.  I do trust her.  I trusted that if I let someone into my heart that I’d get hurt and I did.  She doesn’t want me to go I told you so but I knew something would happen because something always does.  She told me she’d never intentionally hurt me but here I am hurt and her intend maybe was to get a good fuck but she knew I’d get hurt in the process.

Saw Erica first thing this morning ’cause she came to 1st period French to see me.  She cut the sides and back of her hair.  I felt sort of uncomfortable because I thought of what she did.  But if she wants things to work out, she’s going to have to try too.  I wonder if she noticed that I didn’t have the chain on?  But I took it off before she told me herself–it was after Shannon told me that she was over at her house.  But when she had to try to fix things up with Jureee, I was part of the problem, I think, even though they had broken up by the time we did anything.  But then Juree said I fucked her over because she still might have cared about Erica.  But I don’t know if you can stake claim to someone if you’ve broken up.  Well, now she’s fucked me over, I supposed we’re even.  But I notice it all has to do with Erica and I wonder if she’s worth it.

Here goes — I think I have a crush on Beth G.  I had a cute little fantasy about her on Friday.  I was touching her thighs which are very muscly and I imagine have blond soft hairs on them.  Anyway they were shiny and they felt really nice.  She has great cheek bones too.  She walked into French and right away she said something about my hair.  What am I thinking?  Like I’d ever have a chance.  But then Erica thought she’s never be able to do anything or ever be with me.

1:37 pm

She has tried to butter me up by telling me I look good.  But we do have a lot to talk about.  She asked where her chain was and I told her it was in my bag.  Then I asked if she wanted it back.

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