Nap Time

Once again I went through my folder of mostly sexy pictures, closed my eyes, and scrolled up and down blindly.  This is the picture that “won.”  I’m not sure why this was in the folder of sexy pictures except that it’s a bed of sorts.

A bed that I don’t think would be suitable for missionary position sex at all.  Someone standing with someone else on the edge of the bed could work.  But mostly this bed makes me think how nice a nap would be in it.

With those big doors open to let a nice breeze in I can imagine a nap would be very nice and peaceful.  Maybe a little reading first, because that always makes me drowsy.

I swear.  True story.

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(Not so) Winning Opening Lines (Again, Again, Again)

It just doesn’t stop.  Yes, I know I could stop reading them, but the depth of stupidity is kind of entertaining.

wow…what a lovely sight you are to stumble upon. you have a fantastic smile and great neckline. thanks for sharing and brightening my day :) how are things on your end?

[Why can't a guy in Chicago be so nice?  This one lives outside Boston.]

Hello there
How r u ?


afternoon sexy lady…. bastards would not let me change my profile name… :(

[This is after I told him I wouldn't meet him based on his his profile name, something that contained "gigolo."]

I like your t shirt

Hello How are you?Beautiful smile!

I can host and have my shit together. Don’t worry, my parents won’t be able to hear us ;).

[Sadly, I don't think the guy was joking about his parents.  He's 26 and his profile name was john_mayer_sux.  Also, he listed watching sports on tv as one of the things he's good at.  How can someone be bad at that?!]

you seem amazingly interesting
and thats a kick ass shirt

Are you into younger men who have their shit together and have enough experience to know how to please a woman? ;)

[The empty profile belonged to a 24-year-old.  In my experience, a guy that age who claims to have the experience to know how to please a woman just means he's proud that he's figured out what a clit is.]

Hello there…

you seem interesting, and real. Coffee sometime ? I’m located in the south loop.

[The reason this guy suggested coffee is because he couldn't legally buy alcohol at 20.]

hi there

[Not so bad, until I saw his gross picture:

Really, I don't know how I can count all the things wrong w/the photo, but I'll try:  backwards baseball cap, with a corporate logo, that is low on his brow; not one, but two arm band tattoos; ridiculous look on his face; douchey facial hair (to go along with the other features); and fucking cheesy pose showing off stupid pectorals.]

hey hey how are you tonight?

hey how r u? this is Raghav looking for likeminded and fun loving people like you to hang out with and have fun

Hi id love to guve u a good time

Hey–can you make an exception for a 22 year old? I’d love to have some drinks with you and see where it goes—shoot me a message soon and let’s hang out.
I’m Justin by the way

[This guy is so self-absorbed that his profile assumes the readers would know what "DPT school" is.  I had to look it up.  He's looking to become a physical therapist.]

hi,,to young,,,but real pretty,,

[At first I thought a guy who wrote this was young, based mostly on his "writing" style, and he thought I would think I was too old for him, but I looked at his profile and he was actually saying that I'm the one who's too young. He's a 58-year-old widower, and his profile is rife with a ridiculous amount of commas.]

You are Beautiful! My name is Brock.

Yes meeting in person is the best way instead of online.
Send a note and lets meet possibly.

[He lives in the burbs and his profile was sparse.]

would you like to chat with 35 y/o married ….

let’s chat ;)

You kinda look like a badass. My girlfriend and I are visiting Chicago (I’m attending a kind of geeky conference) and we’re looking for a badass to get into mischief with around downtown tonight.

[The profile for this guy(?) was empty.  I guess I'm supposed to go downtown tonight for a possible a threesome.  Uh, no.]

hi cougar! ;D

[This just makes me want to cringe.]

dont be angry at us in the burbs.. we used to live in the city..luv the swallows shirt thang…j

[This after I added a paragraph in all caps regarding my disinterest in anyone in the burbs.]

I swear.  True story.

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Photo Lotto 1

Even erotic photos and photos I see on Instagram I like the ones that are good photos first, and interesting subjects second.

This one I don’t actually find all that erotic.  Why did I pick it?  Because I blindly picked it out of my photo file.  This one won.

This photo I like because of the repeating vertical lines cut by whatever the fuck is behind them on the left and the riding crop (?) the woman is holding.

The highlight, of course, is the woman’s crazy fucking back muscles.  Yes, of course it’s occurred to me that she may not be biologically XX, but that doesn’t matter because that is a crazy fucking back.  Crazy sexy.

I like this photo a lot, though it can be assumed that any photo I post here is one that I like a lot.

I swear.  True story.

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Hag Looking for a Fag (Part 1)

I placed an ad on Craig’s List with the headline, “Hag Looking for a Fag.”  I thought it was a funny, self-deprecating headline that would get some attention.

Sadly, it got the wrong kind of attention.  It was flagged and removed – twice.  I guess Craig’s List readers can’t take a lighthearted fucking joke.  I’m calling myself a hag, not the nicest way to describe a lady, and I’m looking for a fag, not the nicest way to describe a homosexual man.  I guess my attempt to imbue both words with positive connotations was lost on the humorless “Strictly Platonic W4M” idiots.

I also used “Hag Looking for a Fag” because I had found DD when I answered his Craig’s List ad, “Fag Looking for a Hag.”  I guess we’re friends because I got the joke.

Before the ad was pulled I got a few responses.  One guy asked for my picture.  Why the fuck did he need to see a picture of a person he was going to befriend?  Whatever.  I sent one and he sent me pictures of two guys.  I didn’t give a shit.

He kept asking me what was in my mind.  Uh, thoughts, duh.  That, and some other English problems probably indicated that English was not his first language, which I can certainly look past, but complete stupidity I cannot.

He asked me to meet him in Evanston, a suburb.  Of course he hadn’t read my OkCupid profile so he didn’t know that I don’t do burbs or have a car, so I told him.  Mind, I listed Chicago, and not the suburbs, as my location on the ad, but people here seem to think driving everywhere is no big deal.

Then he suggested a Starbucks or a Panera Bread in my neighborhood.  Starbucks I get, it’s a natural place to meet for the first time.  But Panera Bread?

I suggested we meet and go for a walk with my dog.  His response was that so long as my dog didn’t chase him that was fine.  Why the fuck would I invite him to be chased by my dog?  Do people do that?

The guy wasn’t making any sense.  Then he gave a reason for not being able to meet up as a meeting with his attorney.  I did not want to know why such meeting was taking place.  I did not want to bother to meet the guy at all so I didn’t bother responding.

A few days later he contacted me.  Well, he was putting forth an effort and wanted to meet, so I thought I’d give it another try.  I suggested we meet at Local Option on Webster.

I did not send him a link to Local Option, but I did say, “We could meet at Local Option on Webster,” which is more than enough information for him to find the exact location of the place.  He did find me via Craig’s List and he was emailing me so he definitely had access to the thing called the internet and presumably could figure out how to utilize a search engine, such as Google.

Nonetheless, I received this message from him: “Webster and where? I mean how far east or west of town?”  So this guy wanted me to Google for him?  I didn’t have to because I knew the cross street, so I told him not only the cross street but also the neighborhood.

Many of you, dear readers, may not know much about Chicago.  I don’t fault you for that, especially if you don’t live here.  I do live here and I’m still learning.  What I don’t need to learn is that there really is no east of town for those of us without gills.  Just like there is no west of San Francisco.  Chicago is on Lake Michigan’s west shore.

So the guy had more than all the information he needed including the name of the place, the street on which the place was located, the cross-street of the street where the place was located, and the neighborhood in which the place was located.  The only thing left should have been to establish a time.

They let retards drive?

Sadly, that wasn’t to be.  I got a different message from the guy, one that made me sure I never wanted to meet him, ever.  “What is over there? All I can see is Local Option. I guess it is a bar.”

I know y’all aren’t morons and know how to scroll up, but I just want to reestablish that I started by saying we should meet at fucking Local Option.  This guy was a class A moron.

I told him to forget it.  I don’t think he got it (surprise) because he offered a couple of other nights that he would be available.  I will not meet him.

Sadly, there was someone I did meet.

I swear.  True story.

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We’d Already Fucked

We’d already fucked that day.  It had been a long couple of days without any fucking at all, which was not our style.  There was no good reason we hadn’t fucked, but that day our dry spell ended.

After a long walk that included getting ousted from the outdoor patio of a restaurant because we had Isis with us – something that pissed me off even more when I saw that the patio welcomed children to the tune of a communal toy on which a kid could roll around the patio, annoying the humans – we took turns showering.  We’ve developed a habit where he waits in the bedroom for me when I’m wrapped in my big, fluffy robe fresh out of the shower.  He takes the opportunity of the easy-to-open robe to give my pussy, and almost always my ass, too, a nice munching.

We didn’t fuck, which I know disappointed him.  I know he’s disappointed whenever we don’t fuck.

Later, when it was time to change from our street clothes to our comfy clothes, I suggested we fuck.  He had a big smile on his face and said, “I was hoping you’d say that.”  We fucked, and it was good.

He almost always goes to bed before me.  He’s told me time and again that no matter how late I come to bed, that if I want sex, I’m to wake him up.  I know that.  If I wake him up for sex he will not be cranky, quite the opposite.

I had been watching some tv and reading some sexy stories.  I had read, again and again, the stories the Viking wrote about the very fucking we had had and they still turned me on.  At one point I realized that if reading about the fucking we had done in the past was turning me on, that I could actually have more of the same, thereby not only turning me on, but getting me off.

We’d already fucked that day.  But I hadn’t come.  I wanted to come.

I went to the bedroom and took off my comfy pants.  He knows that if I don’t have any pants on that he is welcome to have his way with me.  Sometimes he even takes my pants off and has his way with me anyway, but if my pants are already off he knows I want it.

I told him I wanted to come.  He licked my pussy.  He licked my ass.  The Viking knows how to lick me just right.  He also knows what makes me come, and just a tongue – even a very skilled one – wasn’t going to do it.

He began putting fingers in me.  I could tell by the way he was finger fucking me that he wanted to fist fuck me.  I had thought I wanted to come a different way, but as I relaxed and he put more fingers into me and lubed up his hand, I wanted that whole hand.

The moment when he just pushes past the opening the first time is fucking glorious.  It’s when people less experienced with fisting will back off, but those who are experienced know to push on.

By that time I had the Magic Wand on my clit.  His hand was in my cunt.  By then I was not feeling delicate in the least.  I felt strong.  He knew it.  He knew he could be rough with my cunt.

After a little bit he pulled his hand all the way out and pushed it all the way back in.  Again.  And again.  All the way out.  All the way back in.  Punch fucking my cunt.  Absolutely no hyperbole there.

His whole hand was pounding my cunt and I still wanted more.  I wanted his cock in there too.  No, I wanted his cock in his hand in my cunt; I wanted him to jack his cock off inside my cunt.  He’s done it before.  It’s fucking dirty and fucking wrong and when I’m in the mood for it it’s fucking right.

When I’m like that I have no clue how the Viking is able to accommodate my demands.  “Put your cock in my ass while your fist in in my cunt.”  “Jack off inside my cunt.” “Hold my legs back while you pound me.”  He’s a lot more flexible than I realize.

When I’m demanding like that I ask for things that a couple of minutes later I forget.  More than once I’ve told the Viking to pull out of my pussy and come on my tits or my face, and then by the time he does actually pull out of my pussy and come on my tits or my face, I’m pleasantly surprised.  I’m glad he remembers.

So when he wasn’t able to get both his cock and fist into my cunt I definitely wasn’t disappointed because by the time I had my loud orgasm that hopefully made the neighbors jealous of the great fucking sex we have, I had forgotten I had made the request.

We’d already fucked.  And we fucked some more.

I swear.  True story.

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You’re Not Finished Yet

[Another of the Viking's stories that has been on Fleshbot.  I suppose they like the dirty stuff.]

We were both so horny that we groped and kissed only briefly before I forced my cock into her. We fucked primally for a while before I pulled out and made my way down to her pussy, leaving a trail of wet kisses.

I spent time using my mouth on her pussy before pushing her legs up and forcibly holding them with a hand behind each knee. With her like that I had full access to her asshole, and took full advantage, licking and tonguefucking with abandon. This continued for some time, rolling her onto her side then her belly and slipping 2 fingers into her pussy as I continued tonguing her ass. I love how she pushes her ass back onto my face when I have my tongue in her ass. So deliciously crude and nasty.

But after continuing that for a while, I rolled her onto her back and put my cock back into her pussy and pounded her until we both lie there, sweaty and breathing hard. After catching our breath, she rolls over onto her knees with her shoulders on the bed, ass in the air. “Put it in me from behind.”

That view of her pussy and ass is so exquisite that I had to take a moment and worship with my mouth once more. But only for a moment, before I slipped my cock into her cunt. As I fucked her, I teased her asshole with my thumb, eventually pushing it all the way in. That got a very favorable response. I continued fucking her ass with my thumb until she asked for more. I slipped my thumb out and replaced it with a finger. I added another and started rubbing my cock which was still in her pussy.

In time I slipped my fingers from her ass and replaced them with my cock, eventually coming deep in her ass.

“You’re not finished yet,” she said when I pulled out of her ass. Silly girl. I had no intention of being finished with her yet. She flipped onto her back and grabbed the Hitachi. I lubed up a couple fingers and slipped them into her pussy. Two, three, four. In to my thumb, then all the way out, twisting all the while, stretching her and opening her for what was about to happen.

I added more lube, tucked in my thumb and slowly pushed the rest of my hand into her. I love that point the first time my hand is going into her, when the base of the thumb clears and my whole hand gets sucked in.

I fisted her and, as usually happens, started playing with her asshole. I soon had 2 fingers in her ass in addition to the hand in her pussy. The fingers in her ass, palm facing up (and toward my other hand), let me rub the hand in her pussy. That was mind blowing. I spread the fingers in her ass so that I had one on either side of my other hand.

Soon I was pounding her with my hand: pulling all the way out before thrusting it back in. The whole time with those fingers in her ass, feeling every move of my other hand. Then, with a little rearranging of my hand, I started rubbing her gspot with a couple knuckles. Between the Hitachi on her clit, my hand in her cunt, and my fingers in her ass, she was soon trashing and bucking and screaming through her orgasm.

She’d finally had enough, and we soon had fallen asleep in each other’s arms.

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Dream Journal: 4/25/11

Spend a long time cleaning a bathroom.  Around the toilet is disgusting but no one cares but me.  It is wed with water and pee.  Also going on:  Someone keeps going into his/her locked bedroom and then coming out to test tools’ sharpness on a patch of grass.  I imagine the locked room is full of weapons and that the person is going to go crazy some day.

I keep finding more and more stuff behind the toilet.  I filled a small trash can.  Then find things like used makeup and paperwork.  Throw away what I don’t want to keep because my mother can’t remember anyway.  My mother is gong to marry a man.  Flash forward to what I’m going to say as a toast – something about so long between men.

Still cleaning the bathroom someone comes in and is talking to someone else.  The someone else is Dawn Miceli and she’s talking to Kristi Miceli, who is pregnant.  I know Dawn and I know who Kristi is but don’t know her.  Dawn doesn’t introduce us.

They know the baby is a girl.  They talk about Kristi’s baby daddy.  Kristi is going to marry him but Dawn isn’t sure.  Kristi says he’s stuck around and given her two kids so things will be fine.


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