6:12 pm

Didn’t even go to school on Friday because it snowed so I had a four day weekend.  The electricity was out here so everything was quite boring.  Had to work at the other Round Table was quite irritated because the place sucks.  I wanted to spend the night over at Shannon’s Saturday but the lame-ass parents wouldn’t let me because they didn’t want me staying up ’til all hours of the night and then be cranky when [Sister] was here.  So, because I was bored, I showed off how many push-ups I could to my parents.  It was all quite stupid.  So I went over to Shannon’s on Sunday night.  Erica and I don’t even talk that much when we’re together so I’m glad we talk on the phone.  So I got there around 10 pm and we went to sleep around 2 am.  And then I woke up to shut the door (we had it open to get rid of the sex smell) because I was cold.  I also had to check if I was bleeding (which, yippee, I wasn’t).  But when I got back to bed, I couldn’t go to sleep with Erica right there so I started doing stuff to her, trying to wake her up.  Just about nothing was working, not even giving a hickey.  But I just layed [sic] there breathing and she woke up.  She asked if I was all hot again and I said yes.  So she went to fuck me again and I told her not to just do it to get it over with.  She assured me that she wasn’t, but I knew the truth.  (Oh well?)  So eventually we got the handcuffs off the wall and we were going to have great fun w/her teasing until I begged but then she got tired and gave up.  So she just fucked me, real hard.  We got, well she got four fingers up to her thumb up me.  (That’s how much she got in Juree and thought it was a big deal so I had to be at least as good.)  I told her we’d work up to her thumb too and she said, no, that just wasn’t possible.  (We’ll just have to see about that.)  So I’m having a little trouble walking, what’s the big deal?  Earlier she had done a real good job of teasing me and waited until I told her to before she did it.  Then she did it so hard (because I wanted her to) that we both thought I’d be bleeding.  (That’s when she said, “Everyone always bleeds when they have sex with me, except Amy, who I didn’t fuck very hard anyway.”)  Well, I thought that was a great oppourtune [sic] time.  She was thinking of Juree.  She gave me the choice Thursday night to be back together with her if I know that she’s going to eventually want to be on her own to get on with her own life.  So I agreed for some reason.  Anyway, she ate me out again and at the same time was finger-fucking me.  I was really wet (a lot to do with the time of the month) and I started getting some of my wetness on my fingers and having her lick them.  Then she pulled her fingers out and I rubbed my hands all over hers and it was so wet and then I spread them all over her face and mouth.  Then, just because I don’t think she’s ever done it before, I wanted her to kiss me right then.  So I had to kiss her and I don’t think it was gross at all.  I really thought I was bleeding because there was so much and it was so smooth.  But then it wasn’t as thin as blood.  So she said something like she hopes I tasted good.  I do, thank you.  That was the wettest I’ve ever gotten and it felt great.  But after that I was really dry and we had to work on that again.  I want to get out of control again.  So last night after calling Erica and she being busy cutting Shannon’s hair.  I heard Shannon say in the background that if it was Juree to let her talk to Katie.  What, I’m not good enough to talk to Katie?  So I suppose Juree was supposed to call last night and probably did.  Oh well.  I called DJ and told her the situation.  She tells me I’m thinking with my ovaries and I’m a bank that keeps getting withdrawals but no deposits.  I keep giving so much and pretty soon my bank isn’t going to have anything left in it.  Look how much I was hurt by Jill and we were only friends.  So I’m giving so much and not getting anything out of it.  But I’m afraid to be alone.  So I think I’m just together for the sex and she can go off for whatever she wants and so can I.  Like right now it’s 8:30 pm and she hasn’t even tried to call and I’m afraid to call because it’ll probably be busy ’cause she’s talking to Juree.  So I guess I’ll go try and set up disappointment.

Just talked to Erica.  She had to go eat and pick up her paycheck and then she’ll call me back.  Why doesn’t she stop by here and say howdy?  But I guess I can understand that It’d be a little funny looking.  But she didn’t even suggest it.  I told her I was cool, that no matter what happened, it would be alright.  And I truly do believe that’s true.  I guess I can handle just sex, I think..  Though DJ said she couldn’t.  Poor Amy is depressed because she won’t be able to see Juree until we all graduate.  But Juree doesn’t want a relationship and wants to be able to get on with her life.  She just feels sort of eh about Amy.  So I guess Erica’s the same about me but oh well.  For some reason today in the darkroom during sixth today I wanted to kiss Amy.  I’ll find some way to convince her that Juree just isn’t worth it.  Now I feel like some ho, like before all this happened but it has all happened.

Erica and Shannon came over just for a visit.  I love surprises and that was really nice.  She said she was worried about me saying over the phone that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.  So I feel like I can’t just go away.

Tomorrow I have to dress differently for lifeskills.  All day I’m supposed to act like there’s nothing different at all and I’m not supposed to tell anyone.  But when Erica and Shannon came over, my hair was curled and I had purple eye liner on.  So I told them and because I’m going to do it all the way –too much make-up, pink Guess? sweatshirt, etc., they’re trying to beg me not to.  I feel really bad for saying anything because now it won’t be the same.  Erica says she doesn’t want to be seen with me.  I guess on Thursday we’ll talk about others’ reactions.  I wonder if anyone else

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