When I don’t want to fuck a guy and as a result he insults me it still hurts.  By the way, assholes, that I don’t want to fuck you is not an insult in and of itself.  You should feel special, because there are few men I don’t want to fuck.  Instead, you think that gives you permission to call me crazy and other interesting epithets.  It does not.  We’re not going to fuck, end of story, and hardly a big deal.  Don’t make it one.

When someone doesn’t want to fuck me I don’t think there’s something wrong with him, I think there’s something wrong with me.  There must be a lot wrong with me because there are a lot of men – and women – who have no interest whatsoever in fucking me.  Guess what I don’t do when I find out someone doesn’t want to fuck me?  Insult.

I do sometimes cry.  I don’t think I cry only because I’m a dumb girl.  I think I cry because I’m frustrated at my powerlessness.

I try to be honest and open, but that’s not good enough.  Nothing I do seems to be good enough.  I’ve turned into my mother and it just fucking sucks shit.

So I have feelings.  I can take constructive criticism, but, “Just as I thought you’ve got nothing but a turd rattling around in your drunk schizo head of yours” (complete w/lack of proper punctuation – there should be a comma after “thought”) hardly qualifies as constructive.  That was from some asshole who calls himself – and really, I wish I could make this shit up – Lando Calrissian, [email protected].  I think he got the email account simply to insult me, which doesn’t really seem like a productive way to spend one’s time.

Or how about the nice guy who has a couple of drinks with me just because he feels guilty about claiming to be busy with his impending divorce and kids and work, when it’s really me that’s keeping him from me?  I guess it feels slightly better than downright insults, but to be told that it’s difficult to fit me in his schedule but not so difficult for someone who lives farther away just makes it crystal clear that it’s me.  That I’m the problem, that I’m the one for whom he’s not willing to make accommodations.

I have feelings.  And they get hurt.  And I get to feel sorry for myself.

I swear.  True (sad, pathetic) story.

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