8:50 am

It’s puke day and I want to die.  Last night I talked to Erica and I told her to choose between me and Juree.  (Juree’s not going to San Diego, she’s staying in Sacramento, probably just to try to kill me.)  Erica knows she can’t make me happy so she’s at least not under any grand disillisions [sic].  So I told her I can’t even be her friend.  It would hurt too much to see her happy with someone else and I can feel myself being able to do something really crazy or violent.  Then I found myself saying stuff I don’t know if I meant but it was to the tune of just forget about me and go for her.  But then she said now who’s leaving who.  She says she can’t live w/o me ’cause I keep her sane.  So then she freaked out.  She got what she wanted though, for me to tell her I’d always be here.  She’s very manipulative but at least I’m not getting pulled in without knowing that.  When I say freaked out I mean freaked out — she couldn’t talk very well (she was stuttering quite badly), she was having trouble moving, and she was saying how she didn’t want to be alive tomorrow (that would be today).  I was afraid she was going to hurt herself so I had to get her to wake up Shannon.  I was manipulative also.

11:40 am

I’ve talked to Mr. H and he’s told me to do exactly (not told me what to do but told me what he’d do) what I tried to do.  He would tell his wife to go with the other guy because he would want her to be happy.  He says that I should give her a deadline to make a decision.  But then I told her last night that I wouldn’t make her choose.  But I’m not some little girl high school idiot so I’ll just have to do it.  She can get over me because she’s got her little Juree.  But then Amy’s disillusioned too.  Oh well.  I just have a problem with my logic when I see her.  Oh and I was told that we’re the same in bed.  That she doesn’t get off any more with either of us.  Well, that really boots [sic] my confidence.  I know what I have to do so why can’t I do it?  But then she says she needs me and that pulls on my heart strings.  So I guess I’ll just be hurt.  I’ve tried everything I know how and it’s just not worth it any longer.  I can’t handle the pain anymore.

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