2:05 pm

Shannon won’t give me the number of Juree’s house.  I just want to talk to Erica so she can hear my voice–the one that she loves so much.  I want to say, “I love you, Erica.  She’ll feel so guilty, I hope.  But then she doesn’t have a conscience.

3:47 pm

I’ve been going thru all my stuff for my book.  Trying to think where my stuff is from when I lived in LA.  Got the pictures back from Christmas in LA.  Great timing, Mom.  All the pictures of Erica are good so now I have even more of her to look at.  Shannon wants me to bet about me giving in but I have a strange feeling I will so I’ll lose anyway.  I want to talk to D.J.

7:58 pm

Still haven’t even talked to Erica yet.  I keep hoping that she’ll tell me the truth.  But will she?  [[Step-Sister] is pissed off because I told [Step-Mother] that she has been on the phone until 5 in the morning.  She didn’t get in trouble so why should she give a shit?]  She’ll probably pull like what she did to Juree, “I love you so much, why would I cheat on you, why would I risk what we have?”  I’m just not as stupid as she is though so I won’t let her pull that shit.  She needs to be alone for quite some time so she can value the people in her life.  We have been very good to her, especially me.  I just need to get on with my life and forget about the burden that’s been on my back for the past month or so.  How does she stand so it looks like she doesn’t have any tits?  I should have seen it coming–she talked about how good a worker she was at work, how the cream inside a cookie tasted like her, etc.  I guess I made myself blind though  Love, or was it love? is blind as a bat and sometimes even the sound sensory gets fucked up.

I organized anything and everything in my room to avoid thinking.  I also didn’t eat as much that way.  I got my book in order and I want to start typing it up sometime soon.

10:16 pm

Just called and left message on the ‘ol answering machine.  I said something like, “Hi, I’m home, had a thrilling time.  Call me.”  [Step-Sister] looked at me funny, I turned red.  I’m just trying to get Erica to tell me the thruth.  If she doesn’t, I will tell her the truth.  What should I do for Valentine’s Day?  Make Erica feel guilty by getting her something?  No, she never feels guilty, or if she does, she never lets on.  The pictures from Christmas looks as if she really was appreciating the gifts but I think she gave away or misplaced most of the stuff.  Oh well.  What can I do?  I have to write to my mother to thank her for the wonderful pictures and to send her the negatives from the wedding.  I want to slip into oblivion.  I’m eating [Step-Sister's] ice cream so she doesn’t get a super-bad case of gas.  Well, I’m more than happy to oblige her.  Why do I like ice cream so much?  ‘Cause I like being fat, that’s why.  I am going to go eat some more.  What if I don’t even talk to her tonight?  She told me on Friday how much she’d miss me.  Obviously not too much.  Shannon probably stayed a while to talk to Juree.  I beginning to her too.  She probably didn’t even try to talk Erica out of going, hell, she took her.  Is she getting obsessed with me too?  She says I have a sexy nose, an extremely well-proportioned body, and that I’m too good for Erica.  I wish I had no strife or trouble in my life but I guess that’s really close to impossible.  Everything was going fine before I left and now it’s all messed.  I wonder what went on at Juree’s house with both Erica and Amy there?  Erica probably got drunk and wanted to kill Amy again.  But then when she gets drunk she doesn’t think she “goes on stimulus response” which means if it moves, she tries to fuck it.  No one’s home and I’m tired of the lame answering machine.  What if I don’t even talk ’till tomorrow?  It will be the longest time we wouldn’t have talked since I was in LA and she was up here.  Why didn’t she call me Friday night?  She went home, no one was there, and she started to watch Siouxsie videos.  She paid no regard to me.  She says she’s going to think about me and fantasize about me and then she goes off with Juree.  She told me she thinks about me all the time but now it’s so obviously untrue.  Why am I so lame that I can’t see what’s right in front of my face?  Now I’m thinking to myself that if she has a good enough excuse, then I’ll forgive her.  I don’t doubt that they did have sex and I also have no doubt that she’ll try to convince me that they didn’t.  But she’ll say I already have all the answers, which is true.  She’ll also say she’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t,  which will make me feel that I’m wrong and I’ll probably give her some sort of chance.  Now [Step-Sister]’s on the phone with Wayne so I can’t try to call.  When she gets off, I’ll try again, for the last time.  Then I’ll have to talk to her and act fake and pretend I don’t know anything to try to get her to tell me the truth.  If she doesn’t say anything by some time tomorrow I’ll probably blow up at her.  I don’t know if I can even be a friend with a lying cheat, but I guess I could try.  It hasn’t really hit me yet because I don’t know for sure if it’s true because I haven’t been told directly.  And I haven’t heard her voice yet.

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