Juree’s perfect for her because she’s so stupid she would never figure out that Erica needs to be put in a mental hospital.  She would probably do quite well  in the gentle ward on half a gallon of drugs four times a day to make her almost catatonic.  She would still lie to her psychiatrists but oh well, she’d have to go through her inner conflict and find a semi-sharp (they wouldn’t allow sharp ones) object and thunk herself to death.  She’d go through a lot of pain and she doesn’t love me and her last thoughts would be of me [I wonder what else she has written in her little black book] and if she’d only truly loved me or at least told me she didn’t really then she wouldn’t be in the mess she was in.  She promised me she loved me she promised me she’d never leave me.  I let myself get vulnerable and look at the shit that happens to me.  Never trust anyone, never let anyone see what’s going on inside and they can’t hurt you.  I hope she’s thinking about me crying for her as she’s shoving her four fingers almost the whole fist into Juree’s hugely stretched and bleeding and quite diseased dirty cunt.  Well, if she thinks she’s ever going to touch me after catching God-knows-what from Juree, she’s wrong.  I most likely won’t talk to her but to give her her chain back and ask for my tapes.  I still keep hoping they’re not doing anything but I’m setting myself up for disappointment of course they’re doing something.  Even though Erica thinks she has control she won’t with her because she loves her so much.  She loved her before and she still did it with Amy.  I think the ultimate revenge would be to have sex with Juree.  I just don’t know if I could bring myself to do it.  sure I could, I wanted to, a lot, at one time.  Well, more than one time, lots of times.  But she was being faithful to Erica who at the same time was screwing Amy.  Quite ironic that Amy and Juree end up screwing and Erica and I end up in what I thought was a relationship.  I’m not even really tired.  I sure hope Erica’s having fun.  She’ll say it was a good by fuck for old times sake and she’ll never do it again.  Well, unless someone has really long arms it’d be hard (difficult anyway).  I know–it’s all a joke because Erica’s tired of me and doesn’t have the heart to tell me herself.  Erica thought I wasn’t getting home ’till tomorrow night.  I wonder if she’ll have the fuckin’ ovaries to tell me?  She’ll assume I haven’t talked to Shannon if a call tomorrow evening and talk like everythings cool, if I could do that.  I’ll have to talk to Shannon and tell her not to tell.  I’m really Goddamned cold right now.  Perhaps I should retire to my bed.  I’d just lie there and think though.  I want her to suffer and not because Juree’s gone but because she has to look at me every day and know she can’t have me.  I’m so afraid I’m going to give in.  She’ll only have to say one little lie to me, I believe it and I’ll be reeled in.  I have to be strong thought because I don’t want to get hurt AGAIN by someone who doesn’t even deserve my time.  Just let it go, don’t feel and everything’s easier.  I DON’T CARE!

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